Being horny on payday isn’t good for the wallet!

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Payday came around and along with it, an email in my inbox, of which you can see a portion in the image above.

Lovehoney are at it again with their sales and special offers. They never fail to get me looking at their site, because quite frankly, their offers tend to be bloody good. It worked out dangerously for my bank account this time though. It all started with one item that has been on my ‘wishlist’ for a while now – the underbed bondage straps.

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The underbed bondage straps have been on my list since Fleur and I moved into our new flat. The new flat is furnished, and whilst it is very nicely done, the bed is missing something that I would always ensure are there – head and feet rails/posts. My previous bed restraints became pretty redundant and for somebody like Fleur who is very ticklish and squirms about a lot, decent restraints are definitely needed! I’m looking forward to using these on both the bed and the sofa.
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It seemed that I couldn’t really stop there though. Whilst I have Fleur tied spread-eagle for the first time in our new home, I want a new toy to use on her. Nipple play isn’t something that we have really explored much before. I am aware that she generally has very sensitive nipples and she also has a pretty low pain threshold. Unfortunately this may rule out clamps and weights, which is what I would really like to use with her, but I figured trying with some very simple pumps to start with may be enjoyable for her. Again, these have been on my wishlist for a little while.

I then started to let my mind wander into my recent fantasies. I have been fantasising a lot about spanking Fleur more. It’s been quite a while since I last did this. It’s a long time since I felt up to indulging in kink play unfortunately. I felt that our previous spanking sessions had been quite short-lived and I’d been unable to test her limits much. To make it more exciting for her, I bought some knickers with a vibrator. I imagine her over my knee, hands-tied and blindfolded, wearing the vibrator in the knickers and getting a good spanking – hopefully until she reaches climax. I bought a paddle, as previously we have just used bare hands. I’m not sure how she will react to seeing the paddle – I hope it doesn’t put her too on edge. It was nice to discover at the checkout that the paddle was on an offer for some free after-spanking balm too. It will be nice to rub this on her sore, pink cheeks after the session.
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23159-00Still not quite satisfied with my splurging, I looked for a small additional something. I decided to check out the different lubes and orgasm enhancers and found this little tub of mint orgasm enhancing gel. I’ve only ever once experimented briefly with warming lube with my ex-girlfriend about six years ago and it had mixed results. I look forward to trying this with Fleur and hope that it makes her even more sensitive to my touch.

Things between us have been a bit shaky over the last few weeks due to me having mood problems as a result of withdrawing from my anti-depressant medication and us generally getting used to living together. The core of our relationship is still very strong and I’m hoping that my newly re-emerged libido will help to recover our sex life and maybe even explore new things *fingers crossed*

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Avoiding sex with my girlfriend

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I can’t explain why exactly, but I’ve been avoiding sexual activity with Fleur. It’s been a couple of weeks since we last did anything together and that’s mainly due to her working most hours of the day and night at the moment. I have been making excuses to avoid sexual contact with her when she hasn’t been working though. Over the weekend I feigned stomach upset to get out of it and I essentially did the same again last night.

It’s not that I don’t enjoy our sex play. Fleur gives me absolutely incredible orgasms that I couldn’t possibly hope to achieve by myself – yet I find myself preferring to masturbate than be active with her.

I don’t think that my sex drive has completely gone either; I still think about and get aroused by sex plenty. I enjoy looking at attractive girls and fantasising about having sex with them. Part of the problem may be that I’m not as attracted to Fleur. I don’t know whether this is the result of being with her for nine months, whether it’s because I find a lot of other girls more physically attractive or whether it is something else?

One of the big issues I have with Fleur is that she never really seems to be willing to initiate anything. Last night I picked her up from the train station and when we got back to my flat we made out a bit on the bed. It was very warm so we stripped down to our underwear and just lay there kissing. I wasn’t particularly in the mood to do anything at first, but as we kissed more I started to feel the stirring of an erection. The problem was,Fleur would only kiss me and wouldn’t move things any further forward than that. This has been a pattern in our relationship right from the start, where she won’t do anything until I have done it first. At nine months into the relationship though, I don’t know what is holding her back? In the end the intensity of our kissing petered out and she finally said that she had some work she had to be doing. She had clearly wanted to do something sexual (and had awoken that interest in me) but then just left it because I wouldn’t take it beyond kissing.

I think that there is a part of me that is avoiding sexual contact with her because of her refusal to initiate things. I feel like there is too much of an imbalance in our relationship when it concerns the bedroom. I feel like she doesn’t put in any effort and it must always be my responsibility to seduce and instigate. Is it unfair of me to want to be seduced sometimes?

We move in together in ten days time and these voids between us do worry me. It’s not like I haven’t spoken with her about this before either. I just don’t really know what to do?

The difficulty of having a Christian girlfriend

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I’ve been with Fleur for nearly 18 months now and for the most part our relationship has been pretty smooth as we feel similarly about most things. One of the biggest differences between us is her religion. Fleur is a fairly strict Christian, whilst I am an atheist. Being completely honest, I would never choose for my partner to be religious. I’m pretty tolerant of other people and have no problem with people believing what they wish. What I do find difficult is when their beliefs impose upon my choice of lifestyle because I don’t believe in any higher power and see many of the restrictions imposed by the church as ridiculously outdated.

You may think by this point that the focus of this article is sex – but in fact it isn’t. Fleur believes that pre-marital sex is against her religion and so won’t engage in full penetrative sex, however she does perform and receive oral sex and stimulation with hands and non-penetrative toys. I personally don’t see much difference between oral sex and penetrative sex and I’m sure the Bible prohibits any sexual act outside marriage and considers it adultery, but I won’t complain about the hypocrisy because at least this means we have a sexual relationship.

The real reason I’m writing about this today is related to marriage and co-habiting. It was always Fleur’s ambition to marry her partner before living together and having sex. She still believes that this is the correct way to do things but has been willing to make a compromise for me. I would refuse to marry anybody that I hadn’t first lived with. I think that this makes good sense – you don’t truly know somebody until you have lived with them. Surely it is more sinful to marry and then get divorced as a result of rushing in to things rather than live together before marriage for a time to decide whether the relationship will work? I think it is inappropriate to follow the teachings of a book written almost 2,000 years ago on a matter like this when society has advanced so much. In the time that this was written arranged marriages and marriages to children were common practice and women/girls had very few rights.

We had a bit of an argument recently after the two of us visited old family friends of hers in Wales. The elderly couple are very devout Christians and so I was not to mention that Fleur frequently stays the night at my flat or that we were moving in together because they would disapprove. In addition, when I was asked if I went to church, Fleur cut in quickly to say that I had attended sometimes with her. It is true that I have been to her church with her about three times, but never out of my own interest. I was rather upset with Fleur because I felt that she was ashamed of me as her boyfriend. She felt she had to lie and mislead people about our relationship and my beliefs, which can only been a sign of shame. She admitted that she wanted to have a pleasant visit to the family friends and not have a discussion about whether she was sinful. She worried that due to the couples age, it may even be the last time that she sees them and didn’t want them to think poorly of her. I have no religion, but lying doesn’t tend to sit comfortably with me.

Fleur has mentioned a few times that based on interpretations of the Bible, when we live together she will ‘basically’ consider us a married couple because this was the way in the past when there weren’t such lavish wedding ceremonies and formal registration. I’m sure that whilst she may consider us married, she still won’t want to have sex before a wedding ceremony.

Guilt and mild emotional blackmailing also play a role in our relationship because of her beliefs. She has often said that we will need to get married and we will need to stay together for life because of the things that she has done with me, which would be considered sinful if we weren’t to stay together. This is pretty rough on me if I do ever decide that we need to break up because I know that by doing so, she will believe that she is a sinner and bound for hell. The emotional impact of that on top of an ending relationship is a lot to put on somebody and I know it will weigh heavily in my mind.

Dating somebody who is religious is a minefield of hypocrisy, ambivalence and confusion and guilt. Proceed with extreme caution!

Worried about moving in together

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Fleur and I are moving in together. It’s been a little while coming since I initially asked her a year ago – though that was more out of desperation and convenience than actual desire. I told her to ask me when she was ready and a few weeks ago she did just that. We viewed a couple of flats and earlier this week we saw one which we agreed upon. I will most likely pay the estate agent fees tomorrow and they will take it off the market.

I’m excited about the move, but mostly because it is a big change. I’m always excited about big changes because they provide me with an opportunity to re-evaluate myself and make a shift from the existing daily routine. I’m also incredibly nervous about this.

I’m not entirely sure whether living with Fleur will be a good thing. The issue is that I have doubts about our relationship and I feel that the only way to test it is to push it further. Living together will either be brilliant and bring us much closer together, or it will bring divisions to light and eventually tear us apart.

My biggest concern is actually her attitude. She often appears to be a lazy person:leaving piles of clothing on the floor, not discarding rubbish and putting little effort into her appearance. I consider laziness to be an incredibly unattractive personality trait because it tends to seep into all aspects of a person’s life. I could live with her being a bit messy or disorganised, if those are purely characteristics of their own, but if they are a symptom of laziness then I don’t think I could put up with that. Laziness would make our relationship extremely one-sided and that’s sort of how it feels right now.

I’ve been in a really bad mood for the past 24 hours because when I spoke to Fleur on the phone last night she ranted at me about how her job sucked whilst she was working. It was an awful conversation because whenever I was talking she would be reading or typing and, as such, not really listening to me. Unfortunately this is something she does a lot, Also, in the 20-30 minutes that I was on the phone with her she didn’t ask how I was or how my day went – the conversation was entirely focused on her. This is regrettably also a common theme within our relationship. I don’t want to feel needy and it’s not really like I would have had that much to say – I just want to be asked.

I know that I need to communicate about these issues with her, but I don’t really feel able to be open with her at the moment because I know that she isn’t being honest with me. She communicates in sub-text far too much and that forces me to do the same. I want a relationship where we are comfortable talking to one another but that doesn’t seem to be what we have right now.

All of the problems that we are having will need to be discussed before too long – I’m not naive about that. My concern is that the difficulties we are having are partly a result of her having a lazy personality, which is something I don’t think can be fixed easily. If all of this is because she is lazy, will I need to break up with her? Could I?

My life has been pretty boring lately

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It’s been quite a while since I last posted anything and the main reason is that I haven’t had all that much to say. So this post is mainly me saying that I don’t have a lot to say…

My relationship with Fleur continues to tick along. I love her, but for quite a while now things have been a bit stale and repetitive between us. It’s not really her fault as she works so much that we don’t get sufficient time to do anything out of the ordinary together and I’ve also been much less enthused and adventurous for reasons unbeknownst to me. Sadly, the kinky side of our relationship has almost completely disappeared at the moment. This was primarily driven by my lack of libido a while back. I seem to have regained some of my sex drive, but it isn’t as high as it used to be. I get very excited and aroused at the idea of doing things with other people, but not so much with Fleur. She isn’t really honest enough with herself about her sex drive and tries to hide it from me, instead encouraging or manipulating me to take the lead every time. I like being dominant, but it can be exhausting with her a lot of the time. I find myself captivated by the idea of a Master/slave relationship, but I don’t believe I could ever have that with Fleur. I fear that I may never have that at all and it is disappointing and frustrating knowing you cannot have something you desire so much. I want it so much that I would almost call it a need.

We’ve decided that we are going to move in together in a few months time. I don’t know how this will change the dynamic of our relationship exactly, but it will definitely have an impact. I am anxious whether it is the right thing to do, but I am excited for a change from the current regime.

I hold on to the hope that when Fleur has quit her current job in about six months time, it will be a lot more enjoyable to be with her again and a new spark will ignite. If things were to continue as they are then, despite loving her, I think I would need to end it as neither of us are happy in our lives right now. Spending all of my spare time trapped in with her whilst she works and has regular stress attacks is pretty miserable and suffocating.

I’ve Lost My Mojo

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Over the past couple of weeks I seem to have dramatically lost my mojo! This is a first for me and it is stressing me out a fair bit, which probably isn’t making things a whole lot better.

I’m not entirely sure what the cause of this lost mojo is. There is a fair chance that it is a side-effect of my antidepressants. I have always experienced a delay (and sometimes some difficulty) in climaxing when I have taken anti-depressants. This is a fairly common side-effect, but it has never worried me too much. In fact, I consider it a blessing quite a lot of the time as it allows me to go for longer.

It’s also possible that my loss of mojo is a symptom of depression. Whilst my mood hasn’t been really low, I haven’t been in a particularly great place over the past few weeks. In addition to not being all that happy, I find it more difficult to summon the energy for things. As the active partner in my play with Fleur, it is quite demanding on me. Plus, since we cannot have penetrative sex, that is quite inhibiting to me and could possibly have it’s toll on my desire.

The other reason I can think of is the least likely, but the most scary to me – age. I’m getting older and it’s been quite obvious to me over the past year that I am less sexually driven than I have been. I am only approaching 26 and I hardly think that this is an age where my sex-drive flies out the window – though from what I have read, a male’s sexual peak is his early twenties. If this is the result of ageing then I am worried for my future. My sexuality is a big part of me and I fear for a time when it is no longer there.

Fleur has certainly picked up my lack of mojo and whilst she seems to be OK with it at the moment, I worry that it will damage our relationship. If anything, I want our sex life and especially our kinky play to be more active! I hope that this is something that passes very soon.

Shaking off an identity (Recovering from depression)

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For the first time since my depression first set in around eleven years ago, I feel that I am really making positive steps towards a recovery. I’m not experiencing the same crushing hopelessness and despair that I was feeling up until just over a year ago. I am managing relatively well on a day-to-day basis at keeping my mood steady. I think my relationship with Fleur has been the main contribution towards this recovery, with added help from my anti-depressants, improved social life and stronger financial situation.

The big issue I am having is with shaking off my identity of eleven years. For most of my adolescence and almost half of my life, I have identified as somebody that struggles with depression and anxiety. It has been so integral to my personality that I would often use it as an excuse for myself, or to celebrate as an obstacle that I had overcome. So when such a large part of my personality is no longer present, who do I become?

Whilst I know that living with depression and anxiety is far from unusual, I almost feel as though those conditions made me something. Without those characteristics, I am nothing. I am just a plain, boring person, moving through life leaving no real impression. I want to have some meaning – even if it is only to myself.

As a result of these thoughts, it is difficult to no longer identify as somebody who is mentally unwell. I was thinking about my depression just the other day when I had to realise that I’m not really depressed now and I was making it up inside my own head. Whilst I don’t want to be depressed or anxious, the diagnosis is something of a safety blanket to me.

I hope that at some point in the future I will no longer look at myself in this way. The trouble is that I can’t see how I would look at myself. Would I look at myself as energetic, healthy…balanced? I just don’t picture it.

One Year In

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Fleur and I have now been in a relationship together for one year! As a whole it has been a really good year and we’ve been really good together. We’ve had a couple of rough patches but we came through them – you can’t imagine it will be smooth sailing all the time, we’re different people after all.

This is the first time that I have been in a happy relationship. In my previous relationships I never felt comfortable as myself and so was very shy, found it difficult to talk and almost impossible to open up honestly – leading to lots of lies. I don’t know whether it is due to me being much more mature and comfortable in my skin now, or whether the chemistry is just ‘right’ between us, but I don’t have that problem this time around. I don’t really feel that I have to lie to Fleur, which makes life much easier. It is nice to have somebody to do things with and to talk to on a day to day basis. The loneliness I had experienced for the five years prior to meeting Fleur were crushing and had affected me greatly. Having somebody who is willing to indulge in my sexual kinks is also incredibly satisfying and exciting – though we are definitely lacking something in this department and that has me concerned about our future.

I do have some difficulty adjusting to being in a relationship. One thing that I miss is the excitement of possibility. When I was single and I left the house, I was always excited that I never knew who I might meet and what might happen between us. There was more that was ‘unknown’ and a lot of different possibilities went hand-in-hand with that. Of course, nothing actually ever happened and I never did meet anybody – which makes being single for me worse than being in a committed relationship – but that loss of excitement does take something away from me.

I still need more time to get used to no longer being an individual. OK, technically I am still an individual with my own interests, beliefs, feelings and activities outside of the relationship – but you no longer operate as a single person once you are in a relationship. I’m paired with somebody, which means that I consult with her when making plans and big decisions. It feels a bit like I have lost some freedom. In truth I haven’t really lost freedom, as the number of things I can now do because I have somebody to share activities with has increased – I have however lost some spontaneity.

There is still a lot that I am uncertain about in our relationship as we still have some large stages that we haven’t crossed (living together, full penetrative sex…). I wonder whether the relationship will continue until we have crossed these paths or if we will not reach them? I am concerned about committing with so much uncertainty…

Can I Want To Live?

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Whilst my mental health is generally improving (as a trend) and I am far more happy and comfortable than I have been in a long time, I still don’t want to live. It’s quite rare now that I actively think about suicide (at least in the near future) but I can’t deny it is still part of my plan.

Whilst I was at work yesterday a discussion about pensions and preparing for retirement came about and it really made me anxious. I know that retirement is a very long way off for me, but thinking about the future fills me with panic because I’ve never planned on having one. I tend not to worry about my health or finances a long way down the line because it has always been in my mind that I would kill myself one day. Whilst I continue to believe that I will not really have a future, it makes it difficult for me to plan or prepare for one.

I would say that at the moment I am not really depressed. My medication is doing a relatively good job of keeping my mood up and my circumstances are fairly good. Despite this, I’m not really interested in being alive. If I had the choice of waking up tomorrow or passing away quietly in my sleep, I would choose the later. Why do I want to die if I’m not feeling depressed? Will this feeling ever change, or will I always choose death over life?

My Relationship Has A Rocky Path Ahead

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It is looking as though my relationship with Fleur will be very rocky over the next few months. The main reason for this is her work – or rather the effect that her work has on her. She’s now in a very busy period for her job which won’t end for about three months. During this time she will be working much longer hours and will be under more stress than usual. Unfortunately Fleur doesn’t cope well with stress at the best of times and it makes things difficult between us. I do my best to be there and offer support whilst trying to lift her mood, but the results are mostly negligible whilst draining me significantly.

Over the weekend Fleur was getting very stressed about returning to work and was having mild panic attacks. She likes to have orgasms when she is feeling like this to help her relax, but on the Friday night I was incredibly tired and not really feeling in the mood. On the Saturday morning I began to play with her but she was acting really strange. I stopped and we talked about it – she was worried that I wasn’t in the mood and was only doing it for her because I knew that she wanted it. I did know that she wanted it and that was the main motivator for getting me in the mood, but I wanted to do it. She seemed to have trouble trusting my intentions and motivations and that hurt me. I discussed with her that her distrust in me was upsetting and she kept arguing that it wasn’t that she didn’t trust me, it was because of her stress making her paranoid. I didn’t really understand this argument – trust is trust – you either trust somebody or you don’t in my opinion.

We sort of patched things over and she eventually left to visit a friend. She surprised me by coming back in the evening very apologetically and in a somewhat better mood. We indulged in some oral sex which was very enjoyable and she stayed the night. The next day she continued to hang around, cancelling her other plans. This was frustrating to me because I had spent the vast majority of the past two weeks with her over the festive period and she was getting more and more boring. The problem is that she wants to spend time together, but has no suggestions of what she wants to do. I have plenty of activities and hobbies to keep me busy at my home, but she wasn’t bringing anything to keep herself occupied. When I suggested we just sit and read books for a while she complained that she didn’t want to read because it made the time go too quickly and that means that she would be starting back at work sooner. She wanted to drag out each second that she could, but dragging out her own time didn’t appear to be enough – they do say that misery loves company!

I’m rather glad that I am able to get a bit of a break from her over the next few weeks whilst she is working a lot more. I feel like I need a little bit of personal time and that I will appreciate her more when I see her. I just hope that she won’t always be in a very bad mood and project those feelings on to me. She has mentioned that she will probably be too tired or not in the mood for sex play over the next couple of months, which will be difficult.

I do care a lot for Fleur and a lot of the time we are really good together. My biggest problem is her obsession with this job that she despises as it seriously damages her mood and makes up roughly 90% of what she talks about. I hope that things will be better between us when she has a different job – though I am worried they won’t be.