Being horny on payday isn’t good for the wallet!

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Payday came around and along with it, an email in my inbox, of which you can see a portion in the image above.

Lovehoney are at it again with their sales and special offers. They never fail to get me looking at their site, because quite frankly, their offers tend to be bloody good. It worked out dangerously for my bank account this time though. It all started with one item that has been on my ‘wishlist’ for a while now – the underbed bondage straps.

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The underbed bondage straps have been on my list since Fleur and I moved into our new flat. The new flat is furnished, and whilst it is very nicely done, the bed is missing something that I would always ensure are there – head and feet rails/posts. My previous bed restraints became pretty redundant and for somebody like Fleur who is very ticklish and squirms about a lot, decent restraints are definitely needed! I’m looking forward to using these on both the bed and the sofa.
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It seemed that I couldn’t really stop there though. Whilst I have Fleur tied spread-eagle for the first time in our new home, I want a new toy to use on her. Nipple play isn’t something that we have really explored much before. I am aware that she generally has very sensitive nipples and she also has a pretty low pain threshold. Unfortunately this may rule out clamps and weights, which is what I would really like to use with her, but I figured trying with some very simple pumps to start with may be enjoyable for her. Again, these have been on my wishlist for a little while.

I then started to let my mind wander into my recent fantasies. I have been fantasising a lot about spanking Fleur more. It’s been quite a while since I last did this. It’s a long time since I felt up to indulging in kink play unfortunately. I felt that our previous spanking sessions had been quite short-lived and I’d been unable to test her limits much. To make it more exciting for her, I bought some knickers with a vibrator. I imagine her over my knee, hands-tied and blindfolded, wearing the vibrator in the knickers and getting a good spanking – hopefully until she reaches climax. I bought a paddle, as previously we have just used bare hands. I’m not sure how she will react to seeing the paddle – I hope it doesn’t put her too on edge. It was nice to discover at the checkout that the paddle was on an offer for some free after-spanking balm too. It will be nice to rub this on her sore, pink cheeks after the session.
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23159-00Still not quite satisfied with my splurging, I looked for a small additional something. I decided to check out the different lubes and orgasm enhancers and found this little tub of mint orgasm enhancing gel. I’ve only ever once experimented briefly with warming lube with my ex-girlfriend about six years ago and it had mixed results. I look forward to trying this with Fleur and hope that it makes her even more sensitive to my touch.

Things between us have been a bit shaky over the last few weeks due to me having mood problems as a result of withdrawing from my anti-depressant medication and us generally getting used to living together. The core of our relationship is still very strong and I’m hoping that my newly re-emerged libido will help to recover our sex life and maybe even explore new things *fingers crossed*

Black Friday Sex Toy Shopping

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I received an email last night from Lovehoney about Black Friday offers that were available. I get a lot of emails with offers from this company and they normally go into the delete box, but this one caught my fancy when I saw this;

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A mini wand (meaning that it doesn’t need to be plugged into the mains) with fantastic reviews and half price (making it only £12.99)!!! I’ve been wanting to get a wand to torture Fleur with its intense vibrations for a while. She enjoys the bullet vibrator that I bought for her earlier this year, but I think it has lost a bit of its excitement now, which this should be able to make up for!

Whilst I was purchasing from there, I decided I might as well pick up a couple of other things that I had been wanting for our sessions too.

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Interestingly, there was an offer on for three items for £15, allowing me to save roughly £12 by buying these together. I decided to get a good length of soft rope, as the Velcro restraints we have now do their job nicely, but they are rather limited in the positions that I can tie her into. The candle and the Warternberg wheel were both things that I had been wanting to introduce to our sensation play. It looks like we’ll be having some good kinky fun again very soon!

Addicted to Porn

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Fleur has gone away for a couple of days with work, and I’m actually excited about that. The reason I’m excited is that I get a little bit of time to myself and I also get to masturbate to some porn. It’s so pathetic that I’m excited about that and I really wish that I wasn’t. If you follow my blog then you’ll have read about the conflict I feel over porn, if not, you can read it by clicking here.

I love porn – the main reason is that it gives me an insight into a world that I will never be able to be a part of. It allows me to indulge in aspects of sexual deviancy that I am unlikely to be able to enjoy in person. I thought I might write about a few of my favourite porn stars and why I like them so much;

1. Hazel (Slave Hazel)
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Hazel seems to have had a very limited carer in the porn industry, but I consider her to be one of the best actresses I have come across. She manages to portray a vulnerability and rawness that is lost in more commercial porn. The majority, if not all of her roles involve her being a slave – usually a schoolgirl – who is being trained for use. A clip which is particularly great (here) shows her being trained in anal and she shows how painful it can really be. The video is heavily edited around the part where he first inserts himself as a result of obviously having to stop the scene. There is a dark, nasty side of me that really likes watching a girl being tormented in a sexual scenario.

2. Sasha Grey
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Sasha Grey is without a doubt one of the best porn stars ever. She bucks the tradition of the girl being vulnerable and from a bad background so she goes into porn – Sasha loved what she did! Sasha was pretty flexible in her roles but from what I’ve watched, she mostly specialised in being submissive. She has been in some spectacular gang bangs and bondage scenes and I’ve never watched somebody so enthusiastic about deep throat and anal. I always loved her best tied up and this is one of my favourite scenes (here).

3. Lexi Belle
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Much like Sasha – perhaps even more so – Lexi is a great all-rounder and has performed fantastically in a range of different roles. Lexi has something that I haven’t seen in many of porn actresses and that is a wonderful accessibility. She plays the role of the ‘girl next door’ better than anyone I’ve seen. I fantasize about being with a girl as loose and fun as Lexi sometime. One of my favourite Lexi scenes is here.

I really wish I knew how I could get over my need for porn. I think part of the reason I want a M/s relationship is so that I have a slave to pleasure me when I need it. I want to be able to enjoy just one woman and not need to look at and fantasize about others. I know that Fleur would be upset if she knew about how I access porn and that makes me feel bad. I also don’t like having to keep this part of my sexuality secret from her. I have reduced the amount of porn I watch since I have started dating her, but I wonder if there will ever be a time when I don’t want to watch it?

Sensory Play

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It had been a long while since we had last enjoyed a session together and we were both in need of it. Whispering my plans to Fleur had her feeling hot and breathing deeply before I’d even touched her. I was looking forward to exploring her body further and indulging her in different sensations.

I began by blindfolding her to deny her any sight and then putting earphones in and playing Mogwai’s ‘Les Revenants’ so that she could not hear what was happening around her either. The intention was to enhance her sense of feeling and help her escape from everything for a while.

I tied her in a crouched position with arms out in front on the bed. I stroked her body, feeling her breasts and nipples then slid my hand down her sides to her legs. I caressed her buttocks and then began to spank. I slapped her a few times, hard, on each cheek and she didn’t make a peep despite coming up very red. I caressed her buttocks some more in between slaps and slipped my hand between her legs. She was very wet and responded to my touch well.

I untied her for a moment to turn her over and tie her spread eagle to the bed. I tongued her nipples whilst playing with her wet cunt. Next came a new sensation and surprise for her – Ice. I drew the ice cube across her body and thighs as she struggled against it’s cold wetness. She strained against the ties when I would touch her nipples and tease her clitoris. When I felt she’d had enough with the ice I warmed her up again with my mouth. I used my mouth on her clit until she was trembling and breathing heavily, but I denied her an orgasm yet.

Grabbing the bullet vibrator I placed it against her whilst tonguing her and she came quick and hard.

Following a few minutes of stroking her body whilst she enjoyed her hard-earned reward I climbed over her and put my cock in her mouth. She was keen to give me pleasure and did a great job sucking it and taking it deep when I thrust into her. It wasn’t long before I needed to withdraw and cum all over her chest.

After cleaning her up I untied her and we cuddled for quite a while. It was probably the most exciting play session that we have enjoyed together and I’m now even more interested in getting more sensory toys.

Testing if she is submissive

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It is not so much that I need to know if Fleur is submissive (she is certainly good at taking on the role of a sexual submissive and likes it when I take the lead during our play), I need to know how submissive she is. Unfortunately she seems to have difficulty with the most important aspects of a D/s relationship, which is openness and trust; she is not able to be open with me about her desires, likes and dislikes. I think that this issue stems from her religious beliefs. She believes that she should not have sexual intercourse before marriage – and we don’t. The Bible is interpreted differently by everybody, and many modern Christians follow this rule of ‘no sex before marriage’, but they do so as close to the line as possible. I am of the opinion that she believes all sexual activity before marriage is a sin (which is how I interpret the teachings – though I’m not Christian), but she has given in to this urge because she believes we will stay together. As such, since she feels she is committing a sin, she can not accept her desires within herself, making it impossible to share them with me.

This lack of openness does make our D/s relationship much more difficult and risky. As her Master, I want to know what excites her, what she does like and what she doesn’t like. Knowing this is important for shaping our play and deciding her punishments and rewards. At the same time, I fear that she may withhold important information from me in an effort to please me without discussing matters fully.

I want to know if she would be open to adopting our Dominant and submissive roles more within our relationship when we are with each other. I know that she likes to please me and is willing to be punished too, but I don’t know if she is a full time sub or if she would like to switch roles (which I would be open to, but I think I would find it very confusing). She does like to please me and is always pretty happy to look to me for decisions. On the other hand, she is quick to take to the role of carer if I am not well and enjoys it when I am being ‘cute’.

The other night I pushed her further to see what she might be open to in our play. It was the first time that I had introduced punishment to her;

We started out by kissing and undressing one another. It had been a while since we had indulged in any kink, so once I had her completely naked, I took the restraints from the draw and tied her wrists to her ankles behind her back in a semi-hogtie (like the young lady in the picture). I whispered in her ear exactly what I had planned for her; I explained that I was going to spank her and she was going to give me a number from one to ten for how much it hurt (one being barely at all and ten being the most she could stand). I spanked her, making her give me a number each time, as I stroked and massaged her buttocks. We reached a six on one buttocks after a few spanks and I moved onto the other. After reaching a seven on that side, I instructed her to count down slowly from five; for each number I would spank her, progressively harder until she reached zero.

By the end of the punishment her buttocks were red and very warm – it was wonderful. I rolled her over, still tied, and began to finger her clitoris. After a little while, I untied her wrists and I dry-humped her as she held me tight, until she asked for permission to cum – which I granted.

It is very difficult for me to get a good read on her. I have a feeling that she may be a switch, rather than a full time sub and that I need to discuss this with her. I just hope that our conversations on these topics can be a lot less one-sided and she can be more open and honest with me.

Collaring my Slave

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I’ve been thinking more and more about how to introduce a more defined Dominant and submissive relationship with Fleur. At the moment we somewhat assume those roles and we play with bondage a bit, but I want more and I have a feeling that, although she might be ashamed to admit it, she does too.

I want to maintain a delicate balance. Whilst I really want a Dom/sub relationship in the bedroom, I don’t want it to control all aspects of our relationship. Our personality traits do seep into our day to day life in some ways; I tend to choose what we do in our spare time, she tends to spend a lot more time at mine than I do at hers, she tends to look to me for direction. What I don’t want is a one-sided relationship where she always submits to me and doesn’t have her own life too. I don’t want her to always be wary of punishment etc. (although some lingering threat would be fun).

I have considered the idea of discussing collaring with her. I find collars incredibly arousing and I’m very turned on by the idea of making her wear one. I think that it could help her ease more into her role and be more open about what she would like me to do to her, as well as being more accepting of what I would like to do to her. By introducing the collar, we could have the rule that we only adopt our full Dominant or submissive roles whilst it is being worn. This means that I can ask her to wear it, and she can decline – though it may result in future punishment, and also if she wants to be dominated, she can choose to put it on.

Hopefully this would allow us to reserve the current dynamic in our relationship day-to-day, whilst further exploring our fetishes. If there are any submissives on here I would love to hear whether they think this would work? Do many people have Dom/sub relationships like this that have worked well?

Hard and Soft Limits – Fantasies

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I’ve had BDSM and sexual thoughts on my mind all week following last weekend’s events. I think that I was unsure that I would ever be in a relationship with somebody who liked it when I was in control in the bedroom and was happy to experiment a little. Obviously, at this point, I don’t know exactly how much Fleur would be willing to try. It is very much a matter of easing her in. I want to make sure she knows over the next few weeks and months that we don’t always have to have kink in our sexual activities. I want to make sure that she is always comfortable, that I don’t do anything she isn’t 100% excited about and that I give her amazing orgasms. I want to give her fantastic pleasure. She is so restrained in a lot of her life and always puts others before herself, so she deserves it. I also want to build up her trust in me, so that she might be willing to try some more adventurous things as time goes on. I really want to have an exciting sex life. I want us both to experiment and remain passionate for one another.

I thought it would be interesting to go through a BDSM limits check-list, mainly for a bit of inspiration. I was going to post the full completed check-list on here, but I completed it in word and apparently WordPress doesn’t like coloured text. I did get a bit of inspiration from it though and I thought I would write a little bit about ideas that excite me;

Bondage
This has always been the big turn-on for me. I used to practice bondage on myself and my toys when I was a kid, before I even knew it was a kink. I’m so glad that Fleur is happy to experiment a little with bondage. It was incredibly hot having her tied spread eagle, completely naked on my bed. I look forward to trying different ties on her and seeing her in all these helpless positions. There are so many other types of bondage I’d love to try; Saran wrap, suspension bondage, whole body restriction bondage, chains, under clothes bondage, spreader bars, prolonged bondage…..etc.etc.etc.

Anal
This is always a tricky one. Anal has a bit of a bad reputation and I think it would be difficult to find many girls willing to give this a go. I’ve always enjoyed using anal toys on myself (and anal toys, like small butt-plugs, may be the best way to try and introduce it) and I think it is something everyone should try. I don’t know if it is the ‘ick’ factor or the imagined pain that puts most people off? I would certainly get a massive hard-on to tie Fleur over a chair or sofa and have anal sex with her. I’d also like for her to fuck me with a strap-on. I’m doubtful this is an avenue I will ever be able to pursue, which I think is a shame.

Breath Play
Another scary one for most people. This is scary because there are obviously risks involved and so it has to be done very carefully and you have to be able to fully trust the other person. I like the excitement and danger of this and I’ve always wanted to try breath play, both as the receiver and giver. In a relationship, I think this is a very powerful display of trust, which is a big turn-on too.

Clothing
I’ve not really had much experience of this. My ex-girlfriend wore lingerie a couple of times for me and it was a big turn-on. I really love the look of a girl in lingerie. I’d like to explore this more and possibly other clothing too. I’d consider costumes, such as nurses etc. though they aren’t a big deal for me. I would quite like to see Fleur in PVC at some time, as my submissive.
I’m also going to put collars under this header. Collars are a massive turn on for me. I would really like Fleur to wear one when she is adopting the role of my submissive. My issue is that I’m not entirely comfortable with liking collars. Whilst I’m very turned-on by the idea of role-playing sex slavery, I wonder if I’m a bad person because of it? I think that in our relationship, anything we do is for mutual pleasure. I wonder if slavery would swing that balance completely out and make things weird?

Examination
I’m really turned-on at the idea of doing a physical examination. Paying close attention to every single part of Fleur’s body. I like the idea of her undressing, then me examining her. After examining her, I would wash her in the shower, then perform a detailed examination of her genitals (and possibly anus) using medical instruments.

Sensation Play
I think this is a must. BDSM is all about sensation and the excitement of it. I’d love to tie Fleur up, blindfold her to enhance her other senses and then play with her body for a length of time using ice, fire, hot wax, instruments, vibrators and my body.

Pain
This sort of comes under sensation play. Pain has always been quite a big turn-on for me. I enjoy receiving pain in sexual scenarios (It heightens everything for me). I also get turned on by seeing girls in pain in sexual situations. I think it is not so much the pain but the determination and the dedication to their partner. If somebody is willing to endure pain for their own and partner’s pleasure, it is very commendable. I don’t think that Fleur will be interested in exploring this avenue, but I hope she will consider dipping her toe in over time.

Forced Exhibitionism
This would only be in private (as with everything else – sharing is not something I would be interested in at this time). Whilst Fleur is adopting the role of my submissive at home one day, I would like to force her to be naked for me. I think it would be very exciting for me and hopefully help her gain more confidence in her appearance.

Recorded Scenes
This can include both video and photo. I’ve always been turned on by the idea of this. I like porn and looking at other people in sexual scenarios. I would like to have a porn of my own to enjoy. I would want to keep any identifying footage private, but I have also seen blogs where they share unidentifiable photos and videos of submissives. I like the idea of other people enjoying what we do and people being jealous of what I have with Fleur.
I don’t think that Fleur would try this. She almost certainly wouldn’t be happy with sexual photos of herself being posted on the internet, even if they were unidentifiable. I don’t know if there is a chance of sexual photos of videos at some point, but if there is, it would be a long way down the line – probably after marriage. Without asking, she had made it quite clear in the past that she wouldn’t make these.

All in all, there is a lot that I would like to try. I’m really hopeful that Fleur will trust me enough to at least give most of it a go and find out for herself if she likes it. From the way she is around me, I think she is pretty obsessed with me and she feels like she is not worthy of me and that I might have settled for her. This may mean that she is willing to try a little bit harder to ensure she maintains my interest. I love her and hope that if she does try these things, it will give her loads of excitement and pleasure.

 

New Toys

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I’ve just been doing a little bit of online shopping for me and Fleur. I started off by ordering this great looking restraints set. I like the fact that it has four separate restraints, so I can tie her spread eagle, tie her wrists to her ankles, or any other position that takes my fancy. I’m a little bit hesitant about them being velcro because I like the idea that she wouldn’t be able to get out, and velcro might be too easy. I think it might be more comfortable for her though and it is much more affordable, which is unfortunately important at the moment.

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I also bought this great bullet vibrator. I’m looking forward to using toys on somebody, as it’s not something I’ve ever done before. I really hope that it gives her more powerful orgasms that I can enjoy. I want to watch her struggle and strain with pleasure. This particular vibrator is great because it is pointed for direct  clitoral stimulation and is also waterproof. I’d love to share a bath with Fleur, have her between my legs and use this on her.

In addition to these I also bought a pack of condoms. Fleur told me on Sunday morning that she was a little bit concerned about getting pregnant. Whilst we haven’t had penetrative sex, it is possible and I also don’t want to take that risk. She isn’t on any form of birth control, which I didn’t realise. Privately, I also like the idea of having them around because if she does change her mind about having sex, then they will be there.

Exploring Sexual Fantasies

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Whilst lounging in bed on Saturday morning, Fleur and I had a great conversation, covering a variety of topics but mostly discussing sex. I was quite surprised that we were able to have such an open and honest conversation about it, because she had always been very embarrassed about it in the past and tends to come across as a bit of a prude.

We discussed the oral sex that we currently have with one another and our favourite techniques. We really got into the fine details, including the fact that she gets a better sensation on the right side of her clitoris than the left. During the conversation it was revealed that Fleur likes it when I am on top of her and take control. She enjoys it when I hold her wrists down. Taking this opportunity by the horns, I asked her how she would feel about being tied down. To my surprise and delight she said that she would be happy to give it a go and it excited her. We also discussed the use of toys, which she was open to (excluding penetrative toys because she is still a virgin).

I’ve wanted to play with BDSM for a long time, so I could barely contain my excitement. That night, I began her introduction to playing the role of a submissive.

With the promise of things to come, we were kissing very aggressively. After a little while of pleasuring her breasts, I took some neck-ties from my draw and tied her hands above her head to the board and her feet (legs spread) to the rail. Apart from a little wiggle room, she was completely immobilised. I took my time playing with her breasts and stroking her body – teasing her. After I while I moved down between her legs and performed oral sex on her. It was wonderful to see her body tensing and struggling against the restraints. She took longer than usual, but it was her most powerful orgasm yet.

I left her tied for a while and then climbed on top and put my cock in her mouth. She sucked at it enthusiastically and it felt fantastic. After a little while I untied her so she could use her hands too and climb on top of me. She teased me by rubbing her cunt up against my cock and poising the opening up against it. After a while she moved down and gave me a fantastic blow job.

I haven’t stopped thinking about the whole experience of it and I’m now looking forward to buying a bullet vibrator and some better restraints for future play. I’m hoping that I can open her up to a whole world of experience and pleasure.

I Got Stood Up

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The guy who was going to dominate and fuck me never showed last night. It has left me really frustrated. I know that generally you have to expect a certain amount of this when hooking up with people on Craigslist. There are a lot of people out there that aren’t genuine. Hell, I’ve been a no-show to hook-ups before. Sometimes you get nerves at the last minute and just don’t do it. It doesn’t make it any less annoying though, especially when you’ve spent all evening getting ready for them.

I was quite surprised by this guy though. From the tone of his emails I thought he was a sure thing. I can’t really appreciate why he didn’t show. I had offered my body to him. I would have happily let him tie me up and then he would be free to do what he wanted.  That’s a pretty good gift for somebody. One that I certainly wouldn’t turn down if I was attracted to them.

Whilst I was getting ready for him last night, I started chatting to an old friend from my home town on Facebook. They were a part of the trans community and sort of my gateway into that community when I was living there. E was a very good person to me. E was attracted to me and I really liked that, but at the time I was going through quite a lot of changes and wasn’t ready to experiment with them.

I told E how I was having a difficult and confusing time regarding my sexuality and that I wanted to spend the night with them. I know that E is patient and honest, so I can trust that I’ll be respected. E is going to come to my flat sometime soon for a night of experimentation, which is pretty exciting.

My only concern is that E will be too patient with me. I’m going to set out before hand that I only have a couple of hard limits and that I want to do everything else. I’ll say that I may not seem enthusiastic at first, so I need to be pushed a bit. I’m really hoping that E will do some BDSM play with me and dominate me….I’m not sure if that’s something they’re into though.

I’m thinking that I may get a new wig, make-up and outfit and be Emily for the experience. I never properly had sex as Emily and I’d like to explore that. Plus I feel much more sexy when I’m Emily and also E is more attracted to me as Emily. I think that when I’m Emily I may be able to ‘get into character’ more and push my limits a bit harder.