I’ve Lost My Mojo

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Over the past couple of weeks I seem to have dramatically lost my mojo! This is a first for me and it is stressing me out a fair bit, which probably isn’t making things a whole lot better.

I’m not entirely sure what the cause of this lost mojo is. There is a fair chance that it is a side-effect of my antidepressants. I have always experienced a delay (and sometimes some difficulty) in climaxing when I have taken anti-depressants. This is a fairly common side-effect, but it has never worried me too much. In fact, I consider it a blessing quite a lot of the time as it allows me to go for longer.

It’s also possible that my loss of mojo is a symptom of depression. Whilst my mood hasn’t been really low, I haven’t been in a particularly great place over the past few weeks. In addition to not being all that happy, I find it more difficult to summon the energy for things. As the active partner in my play with Fleur, it is quite demanding on me. Plus, since we cannot have penetrative sex, that is quite inhibiting to me and could possibly have it’s toll on my desire.

The other reason I can think of is the least likely, but the most scary to me – age. I’m getting older and it’s been quite obvious to me over the past year that I am less sexually driven than I have been. I am only approaching 26 and I hardly think that this is an age where my sex-drive flies out the window – though from what I have read, a male’s sexual peak is his early twenties. If this is the result of ageing then I am worried for my future. My sexuality is a big part of me and I fear for a time when it is no longer there.

Fleur has certainly picked up my lack of mojo and whilst she seems to be OK with it at the moment, I worry that it will damage our relationship. If anything, I want our sex life and especially our kinky play to be more active! I hope that this is something that passes very soon.

Shaking off an identity (Recovering from depression)

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For the first time since my depression first set in around eleven years ago, I feel that I am really making positive steps towards a recovery. I’m not experiencing the same crushing hopelessness and despair that I was feeling up until just over a year ago. I am managing relatively well on a day-to-day basis at keeping my mood steady. I think my relationship with Fleur has been the main contribution towards this recovery, with added help from my anti-depressants, improved social life and stronger financial situation.

The big issue I am having is with shaking off my identity of eleven years. For most of my adolescence and almost half of my life, I have identified as somebody that struggles with depression and anxiety. It has been so integral to my personality that I would often use it as an excuse for myself, or to celebrate as an obstacle that I had overcome. So when such a large part of my personality is no longer present, who do I become?

Whilst I know that living with depression and anxiety is far from unusual, I almost feel as though those conditions made me something. Without those characteristics, I am nothing. I am just a plain, boring person, moving through life leaving no real impression. I want to have some meaning – even if it is only to myself.

As a result of these thoughts, it is difficult to no longer identify as somebody who is mentally unwell. I was thinking about my depression just the other day when I had to realise that I’m not really depressed now and I was making it up inside my own head. Whilst I don’t want to be depressed or anxious, the diagnosis is something of a safety blanket to me.

I hope that at some point in the future I will no longer look at myself in this way. The trouble is that I can’t see how I would look at myself. Would I look at myself as energetic, healthy…balanced? I just don’t picture it.

Can I Want To Live?

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Whilst my mental health is generally improving (as a trend) and I am far more happy and comfortable than I have been in a long time, I still don’t want to live. It’s quite rare now that I actively think about suicide (at least in the near future) but I can’t deny it is still part of my plan.

Whilst I was at work yesterday a discussion about pensions and preparing for retirement came about and it really made me anxious. I know that retirement is a very long way off for me, but thinking about the future fills me with panic because I’ve never planned on having one. I tend not to worry about my health or finances a long way down the line because it has always been in my mind that I would kill myself one day. Whilst I continue to believe that I will not really have a future, it makes it difficult for me to plan or prepare for one.

I would say that at the moment I am not really depressed. My medication is doing a relatively good job of keeping my mood up and my circumstances are fairly good. Despite this, I’m not really interested in being alive. If I had the choice of waking up tomorrow or passing away quietly in my sleep, I would choose the later. Why do I want to die if I’m not feeling depressed? Will this feeling ever change, or will I always choose death over life?

Regaining My Self Control

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As a Dominant in a relationship, maintaining self-control is incredibly important, because if you are unable to keep control over your own life and behaviour, how can you really expect somebody else to trust you to control theirs?

For quite a while my self-control had been very strong; I was training for a marathon, so I eating well and keeping myself in great physical form, I had reasonable control over my finances and was getting myself into a much more stable situation, my carer was going very well and I was very happy in my relationship.

Unfortunately, quite recently I have been having problems keeping this up. I’m not really sure what it was that triggered it, but I am aware that I can have addictive and obsessive personality traits which sprout from my mental health issues. I seemed to take a bit of a dip, which could very well be attributed to having to stop my anti-depressant medication for a while – things seem to be improving again now that I am back on them thankfully. During this lapse of self-control I was significantly increasing my alcohol consumption, spending money more carelessly, eating more unhealthily and accessing porn more frequently – It seemed that I was on somewhat of a hedonistic rampage! As I mentioned in a previous post (read here) I was even considering cheating on my girlfriend and got so far as to email some escorts. Fortunately I managed to hold myself back from going through with anything.

The whole experience exposed some doubts within me. I’m not really sure whether I can be a good Dominant if I experience these lapses in self-control. Perhaps as somebody that experiences mental health problems I am ill-suited to be a Dominant? Or is it that I am expecting too much of myself?

I’m not a part of a local scene as my girlfriend wouldn’t want to, but I wish I could be for situations like this. It would be good to chat with other Dominant’s and learn from their experiences.

I’m Considering Cheating on my Girlfriend

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I’ve been seriously considering having sex with somebody else for quite a while now. The idea doesn’t really sit well with me and I really dislike that I have so little self control over my urges. I just really feel like I need to have sex with somebody. It has been over six years since I last had sexual intercourse with a girl and whilst Fleur and I do have fairly regular oral sex, it is reaching a point where it isn’t enough for me.

I love Fleur and I want to be with her. I definitely don’t want to end my relationship with her just so that I can have sex. I’ve always been very good at keeping secrets and I don’t think that it would sit too heavily on me and damage our future relationship if I hired an escort. If I were to cheat with somebody and there was an emotional connection then I could see there being a serious issue of guilt, but with an escort it is just a professional service.

As I mentioned, I have been thinking it over for a while, but mostly trying not to think about it. I think this has come to obsess me today because of the events of a couple of nights ago (read here) and last night. Last night I was a little bit off with her because I was upset by her behaviour on the previous night and the fact that she was continuing to be quite selfish. I met her from the train station at around 7.30pm and it wasn’t until 11pm that she asked me how my day was! For the entire rest of the time she just moaned about her work (which is all she ever seems to talk about and I am finding it difficult to manage). This morning she was really distant from me and seemed reluctant when I went to kiss her when she left.

I am at home by myself tonight and I have emailed a couple of local escorts (but received no responses – they never like to email). I have found a service of interest that I may call, but I am just unsure what the consequence could be on my mind and relationship. I don’t know whether I will manage to control myself, I whether I will make this happen…

Bad Oral Sex Last Night

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Last night Fleur and I had a really terrible play session together. It was the first time that it hasn’t really been any good between us and the whole thing was quite a hit to my self-esteem and has raised questions about our relationship.

Fleur tends to be very lazy in bed, which does frustrate a bit. She will initiate sexual contact roughly once every other blue moon and she is very content to just lay there and let me perform for her. It’s not that she is selfish, as she is always willing to return the favour when I give her an orgasm, but it is always on me to get us both heated up and excited. She never really contributes anything to building the mood, which she normally puts down to lack of experience/imagination.

Last night was very difficult from the set off. We were both ready for bed and cuddling on top of the covers. I was feeling her body and she was getting very ticklish and struggling (as per usual). When I started to undress her, she stopped me and said, ‘Perhaps I should make you work harder for it tonight?’. This put me off right away, as I always put a lot of effort into making her feel comfortable and sexy. That evening I had gone out in the rain to meet her when she got in at the train station and I had loaned her my credit card when she had forgotten her purse – I’m not saying for a moment that this makes me some kind of hero and that I deserve sexual favours as a result, but it shows that ten months into our relationship I am continuing to make an effort and be romantic for her, so for her to give me a hard time later on in bed was a bit unfair of her, in my opinion.

I started kissing her more passionately and feeling her more. I climbed on top and tongued her nipples and rubbed myself up against her. During this she was yawning and also laying almost perfectly still, like a corpse. I stopped because her attitude had killed my mood completely and I didn’t really want to have a session with her if she wasn’t into it – that’s so far from exciting! She started it up again, saying that it was just taking a little longer than normal for her to ‘warm up’. After a while I went down on her, with a lot of apologies from her because she hadn’t shaved down there and she doesn’t like me going down when it is not well groomed.

She reached climax and I moved up to cuddle her. She grabbed her phone from behind her head (which I balked at in disbelief) and she made the joke that she wanted to check that she hadn’t accidentally called somebody. I joked and imitated her saying, “Oh, hi Dad! *nervous laugh*”, to which she responded very negatively and claimed I had, ‘ruined the moment’ (something which I am frequently accused of – though not always unfairly). After a moment she began rubbing me and giving me a blow job.

This week I have pretty much run out of my supply of anti-depressants because I am waiting to get an appointment with my GP. As a result of this, I hadn’t taken one yesterday, which meant that my premature ejaculation issue resurfaced and I came very quickly and unexpectedly. Fleur wasn’t ready for it and as a result the orgasm was very disappointing.

After it all, I just wanted to curl up and go to sleep by myself. The big issues for me were that it took so much effort on my part to get Fleur in the mood and that she continued, despite her initial behaviour suggesting she wasn’t interested.

I’m not sure whether this is a bad patch or if our sex life will end up like this? I’m very happy to take on the dominant role, but if she won’t fully adopt the submissive role, then it leaves us in this awkward position. There is no continuation of these roles outside of each session, which I would quite like. If there were, then I could train her to be a better submissive and improve both of our sex lives. I think the main reason she wouldn’t extend the roles is because she is a staunch feminist and cannot find a way to combine being a feminist and a submissive.

I’ve Come a Long Way

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It’s now a year ago that I started this blog and the journey has been very therapeutic. Writing about the big events and issues that I’m having allows me to see them from a different perspective and get a grasp on how best to proceed. The blog has changed a fair bit since I first started writing it, but I believe only really because of how much my situation has changed over the past twelve months.

Looking back over my first post (you can read it here) it is interesting to see how much of a different place I am in now. I’m fairly happy at the moment. I’m still battling aspects of my depression from time to time (more about this soon) but I mostly seem to be on top of things now. I hardly ever think of suicide these days and I’m not currently self-destructing – quite the opposite in fact.

I don’t believe that these days are behind me forever – I’m wiser than that. I’ve been in and out of episodes of depression for around eleven years and there is still something alluring about self-destructing to me. It is a part of my soul (or at least would be if I believed in souls). I’m not consciously fighting any lapse into depression as I don’t think it would really be of much use; I’m just focussing on getting through, day by day, and trying to enjoy my time.

I didn’t think for a moment when I wrote that post that in a years time I would be alive, let alone fairly happy and in a rewarding relationship. The idea of being in a relationship with somebody that is content to adopt the submissive role and play out scenes for me was something from my wildest dreams. I have that now, and whilst it’s not perfect and I definitely want a lot more, I am being patient and enjoying what I am getting.

I’d like to thank everybody that has read/commented on my blog. Your input has been helpful and interesting and it is a pleasure to know that my endeavours are of interest to some. My original intent was to create this blog to catalogue my final days of self-destruction and leave some evidence of a side of me that nobody sees – I was never concerned about anybody reading it. I now continue to capture the hidden side of my life and I relish the thought of people reading and enjoying it. I like the idea of writing to excite others, whilst remaining completely true to myself and I will continue to do this.

Feeling Distant

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For the past couple of weeks I have been feeling quite distant from Fleur. I think a lot of the issue is that we have both been quite busy – I’ve had a lot on over the weekends and she has been working a lot, taking away the evenings. She has been unwell for the past week too, and all of this just seems to have prevented us from having much quality time together.

It’s been ages since we had any sexual relations and even longer since we enjoyed a kink session. A part of me is struggling; since I feel quite distant from her, I have not felt up to ‘performing’ for some pleasure. She never initiates any sexual contact between us and I often find it quite draining to always be the person initiating this intimacy and then also committing to a lengthy amount of play, since we don’t have intercourse and so it is usually oral. I’ve found myself just wanting to have a quick orgasm to porn – which I don’t really want to do because she wouldn’t approve and I keep this secret from her.

It’s not like I’m thinking about breaking up with Fleur because we are really good together. It is likely that a big contributing factor to these issues is my depression, which I have noticed worsening of late. I’m not 100% happy with the relationship as it is and I know that some work needs to be done and some uncomfortable discussions had. I do feel like I am the one putting the most effort in at the moment and it needs to be more even. How do I encourage her to contribute more without it upsetting her though? I don’t want her to worry that I might want to break up.

Low Sex Drive

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I don’t really know what’s causing it, but I seem to have a fairly low sex drive right now. After waiting all this time to be in a relationship again, now I’m in one, most of the time I seem to just want to cuddle and sleep, rather than engage in oral sex with Fleur. I don’t really understand it because whilst being very inexperienced, after the first time, she has given nothing but incredible blow jobs that have given me the best orgasms of my life!

There’s a few possible causes for this loss in sex drive and I kind of want to know which are contributing factors and which aren’t. The first is my medication. I’ve currently been taking 20mg of Paroxetine for depression for about three months. In the first few weeks of taking it, I had noticed it was significantly more difficult to achieve orgasm, but that no longer seems to be a problem. Decreased libido is one of the listed side-effects of the drug, so I do wonder if it is causing the problem?

Another possible cause is my age. I know I’m only 25, so a waning sex drive shouldn’t really be on my list of problems, but in truth I have nothing to compare my current libido to, other than my libido from when I was in a relationship over five years ago. Could it just be that I’m not as horny as I was when I was 19 simply because I’ve grown up?

One more possibility is the nature of my relationship with Fleur. I’ve always been the one to initiate any sexual contact between us. Whilst I have no problems taking charge (in fact it can be a turn on in a trusting relationship), I am slightly concerned that I’m coercing her into doing something she doesn’t want. I worry that she is feeling obligated to return the favour whenever I go down on her and that she doesn’t really want to have any form of sexual relationship (mostly because of her religious beliefs). I don’t know if my sex drive would be higher if Fleur was to initiate things once in a while?

How Much Is My Mental Health Linked To My Identity?

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Life has been much better for me of late. Since the very end of 2013 when I woke up one morning and my depressive episode seemed to be at an end, I have had much more positivity and energy. This positivity and energy have resulted in me spending more time with the people close to me and getting more involved in my hobbies, which in turn makes me feel even better.

As I prepare for my next appointment with my psychiatrist (this coming Monday) I’ve been thinking carefully about where I currently am. I realised that, at this current time, I wouldn’t describe myself as depressed. I wouldn’t say I’m happy. I do have more moments of happiness than I would during a depressive episode, but I think my mood could stand to be a bit better. I’m not currently depressed though. I sleep fine, I see friends, I regularly enjoy my hobbies and I’m eating healthily. I still have negative thoughts sometimes and my concentration aren’t great, but I’m not sure this is enough to be classed as clinically depressed.

In addition to this, whilst I do continue to have a bit of a problem with anxiety, which makes me very uncomfortable, I don’t think I can really say that it impedes my day-to-day life. I’m still able to do everything that I need to do, just sometimes it isn’t very pleasant.

This is the first time in a very long time that I’ve felt this good. It has left me concerned that a big part of my identity has been lost. My mental illness has been so defining for my character, that if I’m no longer suffering from a mental illness, I’m not sure who I am any more? I sort of feel like I would be less of a person for no longer having that obstacle to overcome. I would no longer have that excuse to hide behind. I would be completely exposed and vulnerable. I thought I wanted to recover, but I’m left feeling somewhat uncomfortable and lost.