Being horny on payday isn’t good for the wallet!

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Payday came around and along with it, an email in my inbox, of which you can see a portion in the image above.

Lovehoney are at it again with their sales and special offers. They never fail to get me looking at their site, because quite frankly, their offers tend to be bloody good. It worked out dangerously for my bank account this time though. It all started with one item that has been on my ‘wishlist’ for a while now – the underbed bondage straps.

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The underbed bondage straps have been on my list since Fleur and I moved into our new flat. The new flat is furnished, and whilst it is very nicely done, the bed is missing something that I would always ensure are there – head and feet rails/posts. My previous bed restraints became pretty redundant and for somebody like Fleur who is very ticklish and squirms about a lot, decent restraints are definitely needed! I’m looking forward to using these on both the bed and the sofa.
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It seemed that I couldn’t really stop there though. Whilst I have Fleur tied spread-eagle for the first time in our new home, I want a new toy to use on her. Nipple play isn’t something that we have really explored much before. I am aware that she generally has very sensitive nipples and she also has a pretty low pain threshold. Unfortunately this may rule out clamps and weights, which is what I would really like to use with her, but I figured trying with some very simple pumps to start with may be enjoyable for her. Again, these have been on my wishlist for a little while.

I then started to let my mind wander into my recent fantasies. I have been fantasising a lot about spanking Fleur more. It’s been quite a while since I last did this. It’s a long time since I felt up to indulging in kink play unfortunately. I felt that our previous spanking sessions had been quite short-lived and I’d been unable to test her limits much. To make it more exciting for her, I bought some knickers with a vibrator. I imagine her over my knee, hands-tied and blindfolded, wearing the vibrator in the knickers and getting a good spanking – hopefully until she reaches climax. I bought a paddle, as previously we have just used bare hands. I’m not sure how she will react to seeing the paddle – I hope it doesn’t put her too on edge. It was nice to discover at the checkout that the paddle was on an offer for some free after-spanking balm too. It will be nice to rub this on her sore, pink cheeks after the session.
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23159-00Still not quite satisfied with my splurging, I looked for a small additional something. I decided to check out the different lubes and orgasm enhancers and found this little tub of mint orgasm enhancing gel. I’ve only ever once experimented briefly with warming lube with my ex-girlfriend about six years ago and it had mixed results. I look forward to trying this with Fleur and hope that it makes her even more sensitive to my touch.

Things between us have been a bit shaky over the last few weeks due to me having mood problems as a result of withdrawing from my anti-depressant medication and us generally getting used to living together. The core of our relationship is still very strong and I’m hoping that my newly re-emerged libido will help to recover our sex life and maybe even explore new things *fingers crossed*

Avoiding sex with my girlfriend

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I can’t explain why exactly, but I’ve been avoiding sexual activity with Fleur. It’s been a couple of weeks since we last did anything together and that’s mainly due to her working most hours of the day and night at the moment. I have been making excuses to avoid sexual contact with her when she hasn’t been working though. Over the weekend I feigned stomach upset to get out of it and I essentially did the same again last night.

It’s not that I don’t enjoy our sex play. Fleur gives me absolutely incredible orgasms that I couldn’t possibly hope to achieve by myself – yet I find myself preferring to masturbate than be active with her.

I don’t think that my sex drive has completely gone either; I still think about and get aroused by sex plenty. I enjoy looking at attractive girls and fantasising about having sex with them. Part of the problem may be that I’m not as attracted to Fleur. I don’t know whether this is the result of being with her for nine months, whether it’s because I find a lot of other girls more physically attractive or whether it is something else?

One of the big issues I have with Fleur is that she never really seems to be willing to initiate anything. Last night I picked her up from the train station and when we got back to my flat we made out a bit on the bed. It was very warm so we stripped down to our underwear and just lay there kissing. I wasn’t particularly in the mood to do anything at first, but as we kissed more I started to feel the stirring of an erection. The problem was,Fleur would only kiss me and wouldn’t move things any further forward than that. This has been a pattern in our relationship right from the start, where she won’t do anything until I have done it first. At nine months into the relationship though, I don’t know what is holding her back? In the end the intensity of our kissing petered out and she finally said that she had some work she had to be doing. She had clearly wanted to do something sexual (and had awoken that interest in me) but then just left it because I wouldn’t take it beyond kissing.

I think that there is a part of me that is avoiding sexual contact with her because of her refusal to initiate things. I feel like there is too much of an imbalance in our relationship when it concerns the bedroom. I feel like she doesn’t put in any effort and it must always be my responsibility to seduce and instigate. Is it unfair of me to want to be seduced sometimes?

We move in together in ten days time and these voids between us do worry me. It’s not like I haven’t spoken with her about this before either. I just don’t really know what to do?

My life has been pretty boring lately

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It’s been quite a while since I last posted anything and the main reason is that I haven’t had all that much to say. So this post is mainly me saying that I don’t have a lot to say…

My relationship with Fleur continues to tick along. I love her, but for quite a while now things have been a bit stale and repetitive between us. It’s not really her fault as she works so much that we don’t get sufficient time to do anything out of the ordinary together and I’ve also been much less enthused and adventurous for reasons unbeknownst to me. Sadly, the kinky side of our relationship has almost completely disappeared at the moment. This was primarily driven by my lack of libido a while back. I seem to have regained some of my sex drive, but it isn’t as high as it used to be. I get very excited and aroused at the idea of doing things with other people, but not so much with Fleur. She isn’t really honest enough with herself about her sex drive and tries to hide it from me, instead encouraging or manipulating me to take the lead every time. I like being dominant, but it can be exhausting with her a lot of the time. I find myself captivated by the idea of a Master/slave relationship, but I don’t believe I could ever have that with Fleur. I fear that I may never have that at all and it is disappointing and frustrating knowing you cannot have something you desire so much. I want it so much that I would almost call it a need.

We’ve decided that we are going to move in together in a few months time. I don’t know how this will change the dynamic of our relationship exactly, but it will definitely have an impact. I am anxious whether it is the right thing to do, but I am excited for a change from the current regime.

I hold on to the hope that when Fleur has quit her current job in about six months time, it will be a lot more enjoyable to be with her again and a new spark will ignite. If things were to continue as they are then, despite loving her, I think I would need to end it as neither of us are happy in our lives right now. Spending all of my spare time trapped in with her whilst she works and has regular stress attacks is pretty miserable and suffocating.

I’ve Lost My Mojo

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Over the past couple of weeks I seem to have dramatically lost my mojo! This is a first for me and it is stressing me out a fair bit, which probably isn’t making things a whole lot better.

I’m not entirely sure what the cause of this lost mojo is. There is a fair chance that it is a side-effect of my antidepressants. I have always experienced a delay (and sometimes some difficulty) in climaxing when I have taken anti-depressants. This is a fairly common side-effect, but it has never worried me too much. In fact, I consider it a blessing quite a lot of the time as it allows me to go for longer.

It’s also possible that my loss of mojo is a symptom of depression. Whilst my mood hasn’t been really low, I haven’t been in a particularly great place over the past few weeks. In addition to not being all that happy, I find it more difficult to summon the energy for things. As the active partner in my play with Fleur, it is quite demanding on me. Plus, since we cannot have penetrative sex, that is quite inhibiting to me and could possibly have it’s toll on my desire.

The other reason I can think of is the least likely, but the most scary to me – age. I’m getting older and it’s been quite obvious to me over the past year that I am less sexually driven than I have been. I am only approaching 26 and I hardly think that this is an age where my sex-drive flies out the window – though from what I have read, a male’s sexual peak is his early twenties. If this is the result of ageing then I am worried for my future. My sexuality is a big part of me and I fear for a time when it is no longer there.

Fleur has certainly picked up my lack of mojo and whilst she seems to be OK with it at the moment, I worry that it will damage our relationship. If anything, I want our sex life and especially our kinky play to be more active! I hope that this is something that passes very soon.

She Bought Me A Collar For Her

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You may remember that a while ago Fleur and I had a conversation where we discussed desires with each other and I mentioned that I wanted her to wear a collar, but she was reluctant (you can read about it here). My main reason for wanting her to wear the collar is that I find it incredibly arousing. I think that girls wearing collars look irresistibly gorgeous and sexy. I also like the idea that she would wear it as a symbol of her submission to me. Since she had been reluctant I didn’t want to labour the point and so I left it, with the intention of perhaps bringing it up again quite a bit later down the road.

I was therefore very surprised when I received a few early Christmas presents from her and a collar was one of them. I’ve included a photo of the collar above and whilst it may not have been my first choice for her – I prefer leather with more buckles for different ties – it is very comfortable for her, which is very important and she looks great in it. She told me that since we have experienced more together now and because she loves me she was coming around to it. She also bought a suspender belt and some lingerie which she looked incredible in. I was so hard for her that night. I’ve included a photo of the lingerie below (the girl is a model and not Fleur).

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We had a very fun session;
She wore the lingerie for me and I couldn’t help running my hands over her body and admiring her. She looked so beautiful and she was so soft and smooth. I was very hard and sensitive to her touch. After undressing her and making out for a while, I tied her spread-eagle to the bed, blindfolded her and introduced her to more sensory play. She found the wartenberg wheel very ticklish and was squirming deliciously – I will definitely be breaking it out again after tying her more securely. Unfortunately she didn’t cope well with hot wax play. I had purchased a candle from a kink shop so that it was the correct kind of wax which melts at a lower temperature, but by her own previous admissions, Fleur is a bit of a wimp and couldn’t take much pain. We had to give up the wax play quite quickly. The rest of the session was good, but a lot of the energy and passion was lost after this fail unfortunately.

The following morning I discussed us switching roles for a future session so that she could get an idea of what being dominant is like and try performing her own sensory play on me using the wheel, hot wax etc. I think that it might help her understand both the dominant and submissive roles better, give her more confidence and allow her to experience the enjoyment that I get from her submission. I’m quite looking forward to it myself as I used to be very sexually submissive until the past year or so.

Black Friday Sex Toy Shopping

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I received an email last night from Lovehoney about Black Friday offers that were available. I get a lot of emails with offers from this company and they normally go into the delete box, but this one caught my fancy when I saw this;

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A mini wand (meaning that it doesn’t need to be plugged into the mains) with fantastic reviews and half price (making it only £12.99)!!! I’ve been wanting to get a wand to torture Fleur with its intense vibrations for a while. She enjoys the bullet vibrator that I bought for her earlier this year, but I think it has lost a bit of its excitement now, which this should be able to make up for!

Whilst I was purchasing from there, I decided I might as well pick up a couple of other things that I had been wanting for our sessions too.

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Interestingly, there was an offer on for three items for £15, allowing me to save roughly £12 by buying these together. I decided to get a good length of soft rope, as the Velcro restraints we have now do their job nicely, but they are rather limited in the positions that I can tie her into. The candle and the Warternberg wheel were both things that I had been wanting to introduce to our sensation play. It looks like we’ll be having some good kinky fun again very soon!

I’m Considering Cheating on my Girlfriend

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I’ve been seriously considering having sex with somebody else for quite a while now. The idea doesn’t really sit well with me and I really dislike that I have so little self control over my urges. I just really feel like I need to have sex with somebody. It has been over six years since I last had sexual intercourse with a girl and whilst Fleur and I do have fairly regular oral sex, it is reaching a point where it isn’t enough for me.

I love Fleur and I want to be with her. I definitely don’t want to end my relationship with her just so that I can have sex. I’ve always been very good at keeping secrets and I don’t think that it would sit too heavily on me and damage our future relationship if I hired an escort. If I were to cheat with somebody and there was an emotional connection then I could see there being a serious issue of guilt, but with an escort it is just a professional service.

As I mentioned, I have been thinking it over for a while, but mostly trying not to think about it. I think this has come to obsess me today because of the events of a couple of nights ago (read here) and last night. Last night I was a little bit off with her because I was upset by her behaviour on the previous night and the fact that she was continuing to be quite selfish. I met her from the train station at around 7.30pm and it wasn’t until 11pm that she asked me how my day was! For the entire rest of the time she just moaned about her work (which is all she ever seems to talk about and I am finding it difficult to manage). This morning she was really distant from me and seemed reluctant when I went to kiss her when she left.

I am at home by myself tonight and I have emailed a couple of local escorts (but received no responses – they never like to email). I have found a service of interest that I may call, but I am just unsure what the consequence could be on my mind and relationship. I don’t know whether I will manage to control myself, I whether I will make this happen…

Bad Oral Sex Last Night

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Last night Fleur and I had a really terrible play session together. It was the first time that it hasn’t really been any good between us and the whole thing was quite a hit to my self-esteem and has raised questions about our relationship.

Fleur tends to be very lazy in bed, which does frustrate a bit. She will initiate sexual contact roughly once every other blue moon and she is very content to just lay there and let me perform for her. It’s not that she is selfish, as she is always willing to return the favour when I give her an orgasm, but it is always on me to get us both heated up and excited. She never really contributes anything to building the mood, which she normally puts down to lack of experience/imagination.

Last night was very difficult from the set off. We were both ready for bed and cuddling on top of the covers. I was feeling her body and she was getting very ticklish and struggling (as per usual). When I started to undress her, she stopped me and said, ‘Perhaps I should make you work harder for it tonight?’. This put me off right away, as I always put a lot of effort into making her feel comfortable and sexy. That evening I had gone out in the rain to meet her when she got in at the train station and I had loaned her my credit card when she had forgotten her purse – I’m not saying for a moment that this makes me some kind of hero and that I deserve sexual favours as a result, but it shows that ten months into our relationship I am continuing to make an effort and be romantic for her, so for her to give me a hard time later on in bed was a bit unfair of her, in my opinion.

I started kissing her more passionately and feeling her more. I climbed on top and tongued her nipples and rubbed myself up against her. During this she was yawning and also laying almost perfectly still, like a corpse. I stopped because her attitude had killed my mood completely and I didn’t really want to have a session with her if she wasn’t into it – that’s so far from exciting! She started it up again, saying that it was just taking a little longer than normal for her to ‘warm up’. After a while I went down on her, with a lot of apologies from her because she hadn’t shaved down there and she doesn’t like me going down when it is not well groomed.

She reached climax and I moved up to cuddle her. She grabbed her phone from behind her head (which I balked at in disbelief) and she made the joke that she wanted to check that she hadn’t accidentally called somebody. I joked and imitated her saying, “Oh, hi Dad! *nervous laugh*”, to which she responded very negatively and claimed I had, ‘ruined the moment’ (something which I am frequently accused of – though not always unfairly). After a moment she began rubbing me and giving me a blow job.

This week I have pretty much run out of my supply of anti-depressants because I am waiting to get an appointment with my GP. As a result of this, I hadn’t taken one yesterday, which meant that my premature ejaculation issue resurfaced and I came very quickly and unexpectedly. Fleur wasn’t ready for it and as a result the orgasm was very disappointing.

After it all, I just wanted to curl up and go to sleep by myself. The big issues for me were that it took so much effort on my part to get Fleur in the mood and that she continued, despite her initial behaviour suggesting she wasn’t interested.

I’m not sure whether this is a bad patch or if our sex life will end up like this? I’m very happy to take on the dominant role, but if she won’t fully adopt the submissive role, then it leaves us in this awkward position. There is no continuation of these roles outside of each session, which I would quite like. If there were, then I could train her to be a better submissive and improve both of our sex lives. I think the main reason she wouldn’t extend the roles is because she is a staunch feminist and cannot find a way to combine being a feminist and a submissive.

Addicted to Porn

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Fleur has gone away for a couple of days with work, and I’m actually excited about that. The reason I’m excited is that I get a little bit of time to myself and I also get to masturbate to some porn. It’s so pathetic that I’m excited about that and I really wish that I wasn’t. If you follow my blog then you’ll have read about the conflict I feel over porn, if not, you can read it by clicking here.

I love porn – the main reason is that it gives me an insight into a world that I will never be able to be a part of. It allows me to indulge in aspects of sexual deviancy that I am unlikely to be able to enjoy in person. I thought I might write about a few of my favourite porn stars and why I like them so much;

1. Hazel (Slave Hazel)
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Hazel seems to have had a very limited carer in the porn industry, but I consider her to be one of the best actresses I have come across. She manages to portray a vulnerability and rawness that is lost in more commercial porn. The majority, if not all of her roles involve her being a slave – usually a schoolgirl – who is being trained for use. A clip which is particularly great (here) shows her being trained in anal and she shows how painful it can really be. The video is heavily edited around the part where he first inserts himself as a result of obviously having to stop the scene. There is a dark, nasty side of me that really likes watching a girl being tormented in a sexual scenario.

2. Sasha Grey
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Sasha Grey is without a doubt one of the best porn stars ever. She bucks the tradition of the girl being vulnerable and from a bad background so she goes into porn – Sasha loved what she did! Sasha was pretty flexible in her roles but from what I’ve watched, she mostly specialised in being submissive. She has been in some spectacular gang bangs and bondage scenes and I’ve never watched somebody so enthusiastic about deep throat and anal. I always loved her best tied up and this is one of my favourite scenes (here).

3. Lexi Belle
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Much like Sasha – perhaps even more so – Lexi is a great all-rounder and has performed fantastically in a range of different roles. Lexi has something that I haven’t seen in many of porn actresses and that is a wonderful accessibility. She plays the role of the ‘girl next door’ better than anyone I’ve seen. I fantasize about being with a girl as loose and fun as Lexi sometime. One of my favourite Lexi scenes is here.

I really wish I knew how I could get over my need for porn. I think part of the reason I want a M/s relationship is so that I have a slave to pleasure me when I need it. I want to be able to enjoy just one woman and not need to look at and fantasize about others. I know that Fleur would be upset if she knew about how I access porn and that makes me feel bad. I also don’t like having to keep this part of my sexuality secret from her. I have reduced the amount of porn I watch since I have started dating her, but I wonder if there will ever be a time when I don’t want to watch it?

Sensory Play

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It had been a long while since we had last enjoyed a session together and we were both in need of it. Whispering my plans to Fleur had her feeling hot and breathing deeply before I’d even touched her. I was looking forward to exploring her body further and indulging her in different sensations.

I began by blindfolding her to deny her any sight and then putting earphones in and playing Mogwai’s ‘Les Revenants’ so that she could not hear what was happening around her either. The intention was to enhance her sense of feeling and help her escape from everything for a while.

I tied her in a crouched position with arms out in front on the bed. I stroked her body, feeling her breasts and nipples then slid my hand down her sides to her legs. I caressed her buttocks and then began to spank. I slapped her a few times, hard, on each cheek and she didn’t make a peep despite coming up very red. I caressed her buttocks some more in between slaps and slipped my hand between her legs. She was very wet and responded to my touch well.

I untied her for a moment to turn her over and tie her spread eagle to the bed. I tongued her nipples whilst playing with her wet cunt. Next came a new sensation and surprise for her – Ice. I drew the ice cube across her body and thighs as she struggled against it’s cold wetness. She strained against the ties when I would touch her nipples and tease her clitoris. When I felt she’d had enough with the ice I warmed her up again with my mouth. I used my mouth on her clit until she was trembling and breathing heavily, but I denied her an orgasm yet.

Grabbing the bullet vibrator I placed it against her whilst tonguing her and she came quick and hard.

Following a few minutes of stroking her body whilst she enjoyed her hard-earned reward I climbed over her and put my cock in her mouth. She was keen to give me pleasure and did a great job sucking it and taking it deep when I thrust into her. It wasn’t long before I needed to withdraw and cum all over her chest.

After cleaning her up I untied her and we cuddled for quite a while. It was probably the most exciting play session that we have enjoyed together and I’m now even more interested in getting more sensory toys.