Worried about moving in together

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Fleur and I are moving in together. It’s been a little while coming since I initially asked her a year ago – though that was more out of desperation and convenience than actual desire. I told her to ask me when she was ready and a few weeks ago she did just that. We viewed a couple of flats and earlier this week we saw one which we agreed upon. I will most likely pay the estate agent fees tomorrow and they will take it off the market.

I’m excited about the move, but mostly because it is a big change. I’m always excited about big changes because they provide me with an opportunity to re-evaluate myself and make a shift from the existing daily routine. I’m also incredibly nervous about this.

I’m not entirely sure whether living with Fleur will be a good thing. The issue is that I have doubts about our relationship and I feel that the only way to test it is to push it further. Living together will either be brilliant and bring us much closer together, or it will bring divisions to light and eventually tear us apart.

My biggest concern is actually her attitude. She often appears to be a lazy person:leaving piles of clothing on the floor, not discarding rubbish and putting little effort into her appearance. I consider laziness to be an incredibly unattractive personality trait because it tends to seep into all aspects of a person’s life. I could live with her being a bit messy or disorganised, if those are purely characteristics of their own, but if they are a symptom of laziness then I don’t think I could put up with that. Laziness would make our relationship extremely one-sided and that’s sort of how it feels right now.

I’ve been in a really bad mood for the past 24 hours because when I spoke to Fleur on the phone last night she ranted at me about how her job sucked whilst she was working. It was an awful conversation because whenever I was talking she would be reading or typing and, as such, not really listening to me. Unfortunately this is something she does a lot, Also, in the 20-30 minutes that I was on the phone with her she didn’t ask how I was or how my day went – the conversation was entirely focused on her. This is regrettably also a common theme within our relationship. I don’t want to feel needy and it’s not really like I would have had that much to say – I just want to be asked.

I know that I need to communicate about these issues with her, but I don’t really feel able to be open with her at the moment because I know that she isn’t being honest with me. She communicates in sub-text far too much and that forces me to do the same. I want a relationship where we are comfortable talking to one another but that doesn’t seem to be what we have right now.

All of the problems that we are having will need to be discussed before too long – I’m not naive about that. My concern is that the difficulties we are having are partly a result of her having a lazy personality, which is something I don’t think can be fixed easily. If all of this is because she is lazy, will I need to break up with her? Could I?

I’m Considering Cheating on my Girlfriend

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I’ve been seriously considering having sex with somebody else for quite a while now. The idea doesn’t really sit well with me and I really dislike that I have so little self control over my urges. I just really feel like I need to have sex with somebody. It has been over six years since I last had sexual intercourse with a girl and whilst Fleur and I do have fairly regular oral sex, it is reaching a point where it isn’t enough for me.

I love Fleur and I want to be with her. I definitely don’t want to end my relationship with her just so that I can have sex. I’ve always been very good at keeping secrets and I don’t think that it would sit too heavily on me and damage our future relationship if I hired an escort. If I were to cheat with somebody and there was an emotional connection then I could see there being a serious issue of guilt, but with an escort it is just a professional service.

As I mentioned, I have been thinking it over for a while, but mostly trying not to think about it. I think this has come to obsess me today because of the events of a couple of nights ago (read here) and last night. Last night I was a little bit off with her because I was upset by her behaviour on the previous night and the fact that she was continuing to be quite selfish. I met her from the train station at around 7.30pm and it wasn’t until 11pm that she asked me how my day was! For the entire rest of the time she just moaned about her work (which is all she ever seems to talk about and I am finding it difficult to manage). This morning she was really distant from me and seemed reluctant when I went to kiss her when she left.

I am at home by myself tonight and I have emailed a couple of local escorts (but received no responses – they never like to email). I have found a service of interest that I may call, but I am just unsure what the consequence could be on my mind and relationship. I don’t know whether I will manage to control myself, I whether I will make this happen…

In Need Of Space

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I was alone for all of yesterday and it was bliss. I feel kind of guilty about that, but the fact is that Fleur and I have spent the vast majority of our time together ever since I moved into my new apartment about a month and a half ago. I’m not saying that I don’t want her there, as I do love her company. I appreciate being able to chat with somebody, share meals, cuddle and have sexy times but I think it has reached the point in our relationship where we should also be able to do our own thing around each other – and she seems to have trouble doing this.

When you’re together for twelve out of fourteen evenings, you really do start to run out of things to do with one another as a couple. Rather than be bored and start to get irritated with one another, this is the time that we should be able to indulge in our own individual activities and hobbies. Whilst I always have plenty to be doing, Fleur seems to do nothing and just distract me. 

The fact that I am an introvert makes this situation harder to cope with as I need time to myself to reboot. My energy levels dwindle the longer I spend with somebody and it was reaching the point where I had lost the motivation to initiate any sexual activity. 

I’m sort of glad that I’m not living with Fleur at the moment, but also wonder if it would actually be better if I was? Having more room and having her feel more settled might make it easier to each do our own thing? Or would I feel suffocated even more?

In other news, the D/s side of our relationship has been brushed under the carpet for the moment. I think this is partly because of my low energy levels, but also because of doubts about her submissive nature…..I’ll write more about this later in the week.

She likes to be spanked

 

 

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Fleur and I had an evening in together last night. She’d decided that it would be fun for us to play video games since we hadn’t in quite a long time. To make things more interesting I challenged her so that each time one of us lost, we would have to remove an item of clothing. It wasn’t long before she was in just her underwear. She was very reluctant to remove her bra and knickers, despite our agreement because she said she felt uncomfortable being undressed when I am still wearing clothes – I would like to remedy this as if she adopts the submissive role more, I would like her undressed for my enjoyment more regularly.

When she was naked and I was down to my boxers we moved over to the bed. We kissed passionately and rubbed our bodies against one another aggressively. Lately she has taken a strong liking to dry-humping. I believe that she is desperate to have sex, but because of her religion, she cannot allow it.  I think that she is quietly hoping to herself that while we dry hump, if I was to accidentally penetrate her, then she wouldn’t have to feel as guilty about it. There was a point last night where my cock slipped out of my boxers and could easily have penetrated her if the angle had changed slightly; She made no effort to stop and I was the one who stopped it by getting her to sit on my face so that I could bring her to orgasm with my tongue.

After she came we spooned while I stroked all over her body – she was already getting hot again. She turned towards me and started rubbing my cock whilst we kissed. I lightly spanked her – like I had been doing recently to try and gauge a response – and there was a strong one this time! She started rubbing her clit up against my thigh. I spanked her a couple more times, slightly harder and she moaned and pushed herself up against me harder, breathing into my ear, ‘I like that’.

I continued to spank her, harder to see how she responded and my good girl enjoyed every impact. I certainly didn’t spank her very hard this time, but I think I have built a good foundation to work from. She enthusiastically sucked my cock whilst using the vibrator on herself. We both came.

I Can’t Stop Looking Around

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I’ve become very aware that recently I’ve been paying a lot of attention to girls and their bodies. I don’t like that I am doing it, but at the same time I can’t really argue with my biology. Don’t get me wrong, I am not unhappy in my relationship! Things between Fleur and I are great, though I do often get frustrated because of the no-sex thing. I want to have sex with her so badly! We still indulge in a little bit of bondage with our oral sex which is exciting, but I think full penetrative sex would open up so much for us both.

I wonder if part of my looking around to see what else is out there is because of my fairly sheltered life? I’ve had three girlfriends in total in my life and have had sex with one of them. I’m not confident (and probably not attractive) enough to do the whole one-night-stand thing. I’m not sure that I would really want that, but the excitement of it must be fantastic. I can’t help but feel that I am missing out on a lot by having sexual relations with so few people?

I do imagine myself having sex with other girls (which isn’t a crime) and I contemplate whether I would be able to have sex with somebody else and not feel guilty? This is purely hypothetical because these opportunities have never presented themselves to me. If I was to be offered sex with a nice young lady though, would I go for it? If I did go for it, would I then feel guilty? I know that it would hurt Fleur’s feelings if she knew I had sex with somebody else, and it could result in the end of our relationship. I really wouldn’t want that to happen; I love Fleur and want to be with her for the foreseeable future. If I could ensure it was kept secret, I wonder how it might change things?

I think the biggest question is whether looking around outside my relationship and having these fantasies of having sex with other girls means that my relationship with Fleur will fail at some point? Am I only looking because I am somewhat unsatisfied or unfulfilled with her? I don’t believe that I want to break up with her, but could I actually be happier with somebody else?

I Love You

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I woke up to one of those rare occasions where I actually felt relatively refreshed. I was spooning with Fleur, who was still asleep. Careful not to wake her, I moved one of my arms to wipe the sleep from my eyes. I glanced at the alarm clock over the other side of the bedroom and it read, “05:36”. The room was already fairly light, what with it being spring and me having a skylight above the bed.

I didn’t feel like I really wanted to fall asleep again. The alarm would be going off at 6am because Fleur was going in early. I watched her for a little while. Tomorrow would mark three months since I asked her if I could be her boyfriend.

The thought of whether or not I was in love with her had been floating around in my head for weeks now. I knew that we were great together and I cared about her a great deal. There had certainly been times when I had felt love for her and others when I hadn’t. Laying there, with her in my arms in that moment, there was no confusion. It felt right to say it to her.

Fleur woke a little while later.

“I love you”, I whispered.

“I love you too”.

Meeting My Parents

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This weekend Fleur came to my hometown with me to meet my friends and family. It’s the first time I’ve been back to my hometown so far this year, which is possibly the longest I’ve been away since I moved here. I really love it there, as it is a beautiful city, with lots to do and wonderful people. I didn’t realise quite how much I had missed it!

We arrived in the city, blessed with beautiful sunshine (we had been expecting rain), so we made the most of it and walked around some of the scenic parts of the old city. It is very romantic there and I enjoyed wandering slowly in and out of the lanes. I’d planned it so that we would arrive in the city and have a few hours to ourselves before meeting my friends. We had a really lovely time. I like showing people around places I love. It feels good to recommend nice places and see them enjoying them for the first time.

After a lovely, light lunch, we went to meet my friends. We spent the afternoon and evening together, walking around the broads and then eating pizza. It was really relaxed and the perfect chance for Fleur to get to know my friends a bit. She seemed to mix in really well, which was a relief to me. I had been concerned that she might be too shy, or not put in the effort to talk to them. My last girlfriend hadn’t made much of an effort to mix in with my friends, which had caused problems and left me quite isolated from them. My friends seemed to like her, which was a relief.

In the evening my parents picked us up from the city and brought us back to their home. We all sat in the living room together for a while to chat. I was quite frustrated because they didn’t really seem to make much of an effort to make Fleur feel welcome. They were polite, but they weren’t trying very hard to engage in conversation with her. My dad was especially bad, barely saying a single word and hardly looking at her (his social skills leave a lot to be desired at the best of times).

As time goes on I realise more and more how awful my family actually is and what a mess they’ve made. The more I speak to my mum the more it shows how self-centred she is. Over time my dad also becomes more distant and seems to make even less of an effort to have any kind of discernible connection with me. I see them less and less each year and I wonder if there will be a time when I won’t really see them at all. I don’t feel like it would be a loss to me at all.

The next day we went to dinner with my mum, sister and brother-in-law. This was slightly better than the previous night, but again, my mum didn’t seem to make much of an effort. After dinner, I showed Frances around the rest of the city and then we came back home.

On the last train back we were in a carriage by ourselves and we were making out quite aggressively. We got back to my flat and cuddled up on the sofa. It wasn’t long before we were making out and I was undressing her. We’d never had any ‘sexual’ contact anywhere but in my bed before, so this was new and exciting. I rubbed her to orgasm and then we kissed some more. After a while she stood us up, both naked, pressed up against each other, kissing. My penis was up against the inside of her legs and she started to touch and stroke it. I almost got the impression that she wanted me inside of her (despite her religious beliefs) because she kept it held right there. I wanted to thrust into her so badly!

She moved down by body and started to suck and rub my cock. I’d never had a blowjob whilst standing before. Looking down at her kneeling in front of me and pleasuring me was very powerful. The pleasure she was giving me was incredible. My legs were shaking and I could barely stand. Eventually I came all over her chest, with the best orgasm I’ve ever had!

I cleaned us both up and then we cuddled, naked, wrapped in a blanket on my sofa. It was the most relaxed I’ve possibly ever been. I was so sleepy, I could have stayed there all night. Unfortunately she had to go home because we both had work the next day.

How do you know if you’re falling in love?

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I’m fairly confused about my feelings for Fleur – they seem to fluctuate in intensity and I don’t know if this is normal or a bad sign? I’ve never actually been in a relationship where I’ve been in love with the other person before. I think I have been in love a with a couple of people, but both times it was unrequited, so I don’t have experience of how it feels when you’re actually with the other person.

I do care a great deal about Fleur. I think we get along really well, we have some similar interests, we have lives outside of the relationship too, I think she is very pretty and I am sexually attracted to her. At times I find myself completely obsessed with her and sure that I love her.

I sometimes worry that we’re not compatible enough though. Fleur is Christian, whilst I’m an atheist. She doesn’t approve of swearing and I quite like to swear and find it humorous when used correctly. She tends to be fairly passive, whilst I prefer to be active more of the time. She is quite prudish, whereas I’m very curious and adventurous.

I’ve been very careful not to tell her that I love her yet. I have said it early on in previous relationships where I haven’t meant it and  then regretted it. I thought a while ago that I would wait until she had at least met most of my friends, so that I could see how compatible she is with them and also find out how we work as a couple around other people. This weekend I am taking her to my home town to meet my close group of friends and my family. It should be a lovely weekend and I am really looking forward to it, but if I’m still not sure after she’s met everyone and (hopefully) proven she’s compatible, what benchmark should I set?

I feel like I need advice from somebody that is in love and in a relationship. I want to know how they feel and if they have moments of doubt. Most of my knowledge of love comes from books, movies and TV shows – which all raise expectations to (what I imagine are) unachievable heights?

Low Sex Drive

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I don’t really know what’s causing it, but I seem to have a fairly low sex drive right now. After waiting all this time to be in a relationship again, now I’m in one, most of the time I seem to just want to cuddle and sleep, rather than engage in oral sex with Fleur. I don’t really understand it because whilst being very inexperienced, after the first time, she has given nothing but incredible blow jobs that have given me the best orgasms of my life!

There’s a few possible causes for this loss in sex drive and I kind of want to know which are contributing factors and which aren’t. The first is my medication. I’ve currently been taking 20mg of Paroxetine for depression for about three months. In the first few weeks of taking it, I had noticed it was significantly more difficult to achieve orgasm, but that no longer seems to be a problem. Decreased libido is one of the listed side-effects of the drug, so I do wonder if it is causing the problem?

Another possible cause is my age. I know I’m only 25, so a waning sex drive shouldn’t really be on my list of problems, but in truth I have nothing to compare my current libido to, other than my libido from when I was in a relationship over five years ago. Could it just be that I’m not as horny as I was when I was 19 simply because I’ve grown up?

One more possibility is the nature of my relationship with Fleur. I’ve always been the one to initiate any sexual contact between us. Whilst I have no problems taking charge (in fact it can be a turn on in a trusting relationship), I am slightly concerned that I’m coercing her into doing something she doesn’t want. I worry that she is feeling obligated to return the favour whenever I go down on her and that she doesn’t really want to have any form of sexual relationship (mostly because of her religious beliefs). I don’t know if my sex drive would be higher if Fleur was to initiate things once in a while?

I Feel Discombobulated

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Over the past week I have felt much less control over my emotions that I had of late. Since the end of last year, and after meeting Fleur, I’d been in a pretty steady place. I wasn’t just steady, but I was on the positive side of the spectrum too. Now, over the past week, I’m suddenly a lot less sure about things and I’m not really sure where it’s come from.

I find myself fluctuating from being sure that I’m in love with Fleur and seeing a whole future out ahead of us, to thinking that things aren’t really working and feeling that it will probably end before too long. The first thought is the most rational; We are getting along really well, we’re having fun, we communicate pretty well and we support one another emotionally. So far there have been no major hiccups and I can’t really foresee any that would destabilise us.

A problem is that I’m not sure whether I will be fully satisfied from our relationship. I know it is very early days and so I can’t tell what the future will hold. I just think from time to time that I would like to with a girl who is confident with her body and knows how to make the most of bedroom time. I’d like to be with someone that is comfortable talking about their fantasies and then indulging in them. I’m not sure that Fleur couldn’t be like this in time, as she gains more confidence in herself and in me, but I fear she may be a bit too prudish for some of my tastes.

I’m aware that nobody gets everything they want in life and it is foolish to throw away something great, especially if it doesn’t necessarily lead to something better.  At what point do you decide to make the compromise? How much compromise should one make?

This uncertainty is affecting my mood, though if I were not with Fleur, I know my mood would be much much lower. Based on past experience I would not easily find somebody else, especially not this lovely nymphomaniac that I fantasise about.