I’ve recently started a new relationship and this question has been running through my head constantly. I have very little experience of sexual relationships. I’ve had sex with girl in the past, who was my university girlfriend when I was 18. I want to ensure that I don’t try to make the new relationship physical too early and scare her off. So, much like every other aspect of my life, I decided to hop on my virtual surfboard and see what wisdom the world wide web has to offer on this topic.
From what I’ve found, it seems that the length of time people wait to have sex with a new partner varies based on a few characteristics;
1. You’re both ready (This is without a doubt the most common advice given)
It goes without saying really that you should both be ready to have sex before you do it, because otherwise you may well end up regretting it. Wherever you look online, when somebody asks the question, “How long should I wait to have sex with my new partner?”, you will always find people saying, “It shouldn’t be measured in time but when you are ready”. This is really good advice, but it still leaves me unsure. As somebody that has problems with anxiety, I often over-think things and err on the side of caution. What I find most of the time is that once I’ve made the jump, it was the right thing to do. So does that mean that I’m ready and I just don’t know it, or am I not ready? What is one partner says they are ready because they are anxious not to let the other one down?! This is a minefield of anxious pondering.
2. You’re looking for the same thing
This sort of ties in with number 1. If you are looking for a one-night-stand, then you’re ready on date one. If you’re looking for a serious relationship, you may want to approach things slower and more carefully. How long it takes for people to be ready when looking for something serious varies a lot it seems. I imagine it varies more for girls than guys (but this may be ignorant of me). From what I’ve read, some girls are ready very early on, whilst others mention time spans in the region of 6 months before wanting to have sex with a partner. This is down to individual preference I guess. It may also vary based on who they’re with? For myself, I feel ready to have sex very early on and it doesn’t really seem to vary on the person. Is this just because I’m horny though?
From what I’ve read, age can be an important factor in how soon somebody is ready to have sex. Young teens may be prepared to wait longer than someone in their late twenties. Some older people may be more likely to have children etc, so they may want to wait longer. We’re both in our early twenties….I don’t know where that puts us?
Sometimes when you’re with the right person, it may feel natural early on. The chemistry between two people plays an important part in how long into the relationship you have sex.
If you’ve had lots of experience of sexual relationships, then you may be ready to have sex earlier into a new relationship. This makes sense because the more experience have, the less likely you are to be nervous and put it off with a new partner.
So what I’ve really learnt is very little at all to help my situation. The only thing that I can think is helpful is good communication. Communication has never been my strong point and I am really working hard to make sure it doesn’t damage my new relationship. My family doesn’t communicate so I never learned the skills and my anxiety holds me back too. I can appreciate that if we have good communication, we wouldn’t have to worry if the other person is ready or not, because we would know. My dilemma is that I don’t want to talk about sex too early, because it may come across wrong. Whilst I just want to make sure we will both be comfortable enough to say when we’re ready, she may interpret it as a bit pushy. Would she tell me when she is ready anyway? Do I need to be proactive, or should I just enjoy the ride?