Being horny on payday isn’t good for the wallet!

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Payday came around and along with it, an email in my inbox, of which you can see a portion in the image above.

Lovehoney are at it again with their sales and special offers. They never fail to get me looking at their site, because quite frankly, their offers tend to be bloody good. It worked out dangerously for my bank account this time though. It all started with one item that has been on my ‘wishlist’ for a while now – the underbed bondage straps.

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The underbed bondage straps have been on my list since Fleur and I moved into our new flat. The new flat is furnished, and whilst it is very nicely done, the bed is missing something that I would always ensure are there – head and feet rails/posts. My previous bed restraints became pretty redundant and for somebody like Fleur who is very ticklish and squirms about a lot, decent restraints are definitely needed! I’m looking forward to using these on both the bed and the sofa.
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It seemed that I couldn’t really stop there though. Whilst I have Fleur tied spread-eagle for the first time in our new home, I want a new toy to use on her. Nipple play isn’t something that we have really explored much before. I am aware that she generally has very sensitive nipples and she also has a pretty low pain threshold. Unfortunately this may rule out clamps and weights, which is what I would really like to use with her, but I figured trying with some very simple pumps to start with may be enjoyable for her. Again, these have been on my wishlist for a little while.

I then started to let my mind wander into my recent fantasies. I have been fantasising a lot about spanking Fleur more. It’s been quite a while since I last did this. It’s a long time since I felt up to indulging in kink play unfortunately. I felt that our previous spanking sessions had been quite short-lived and I’d been unable to test her limits much. To make it more exciting for her, I bought some knickers with a vibrator. I imagine her over my knee, hands-tied and blindfolded, wearing the vibrator in the knickers and getting a good spanking – hopefully until she reaches climax. I bought a paddle, as previously we have just used bare hands. I’m not sure how she will react to seeing the paddle – I hope it doesn’t put her too on edge. It was nice to discover at the checkout that the paddle was on an offer for some free after-spanking balm too. It will be nice to rub this on her sore, pink cheeks after the session.
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23159-00Still not quite satisfied with my splurging, I looked for a small additional something. I decided to check out the different lubes and orgasm enhancers and found this little tub of mint orgasm enhancing gel. I’ve only ever once experimented briefly with warming lube with my ex-girlfriend about six years ago and it had mixed results. I look forward to trying this with Fleur and hope that it makes her even more sensitive to my touch.

Things between us have been a bit shaky over the last few weeks due to me having mood problems as a result of withdrawing from my anti-depressant medication and us generally getting used to living together. The core of our relationship is still very strong and I’m hoping that my newly re-emerged libido will help to recover our sex life and maybe even explore new things *fingers crossed*

My life has been pretty boring lately

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It’s been quite a while since I last posted anything and the main reason is that I haven’t had all that much to say. So this post is mainly me saying that I don’t have a lot to say…

My relationship with Fleur continues to tick along. I love her, but for quite a while now things have been a bit stale and repetitive between us. It’s not really her fault as she works so much that we don’t get sufficient time to do anything out of the ordinary together and I’ve also been much less enthused and adventurous for reasons unbeknownst to me. Sadly, the kinky side of our relationship has almost completely disappeared at the moment. This was primarily driven by my lack of libido a while back. I seem to have regained some of my sex drive, but it isn’t as high as it used to be. I get very excited and aroused at the idea of doing things with other people, but not so much with Fleur. She isn’t really honest enough with herself about her sex drive and tries to hide it from me, instead encouraging or manipulating me to take the lead every time. I like being dominant, but it can be exhausting with her a lot of the time. I find myself captivated by the idea of a Master/slave relationship, but I don’t believe I could ever have that with Fleur. I fear that I may never have that at all and it is disappointing and frustrating knowing you cannot have something you desire so much. I want it so much that I would almost call it a need.

We’ve decided that we are going to move in together in a few months time. I don’t know how this will change the dynamic of our relationship exactly, but it will definitely have an impact. I am anxious whether it is the right thing to do, but I am excited for a change from the current regime.

I hold on to the hope that when Fleur has quit her current job in about six months time, it will be a lot more enjoyable to be with her again and a new spark will ignite. If things were to continue as they are then, despite loving her, I think I would need to end it as neither of us are happy in our lives right now. Spending all of my spare time trapped in with her whilst she works and has regular stress attacks is pretty miserable and suffocating.

She Bought Me A Collar For Her

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You may remember that a while ago Fleur and I had a conversation where we discussed desires with each other and I mentioned that I wanted her to wear a collar, but she was reluctant (you can read about it here). My main reason for wanting her to wear the collar is that I find it incredibly arousing. I think that girls wearing collars look irresistibly gorgeous and sexy. I also like the idea that she would wear it as a symbol of her submission to me. Since she had been reluctant I didn’t want to labour the point and so I left it, with the intention of perhaps bringing it up again quite a bit later down the road.

I was therefore very surprised when I received a few early Christmas presents from her and a collar was one of them. I’ve included a photo of the collar above and whilst it may not have been my first choice for her – I prefer leather with more buckles for different ties – it is very comfortable for her, which is very important and she looks great in it. She told me that since we have experienced more together now and because she loves me she was coming around to it. She also bought a suspender belt and some lingerie which she looked incredible in. I was so hard for her that night. I’ve included a photo of the lingerie below (the girl is a model and not Fleur).

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We had a very fun session;
She wore the lingerie for me and I couldn’t help running my hands over her body and admiring her. She looked so beautiful and she was so soft and smooth. I was very hard and sensitive to her touch. After undressing her and making out for a while, I tied her spread-eagle to the bed, blindfolded her and introduced her to more sensory play. She found the wartenberg wheel very ticklish and was squirming deliciously – I will definitely be breaking it out again after tying her more securely. Unfortunately she didn’t cope well with hot wax play. I had purchased a candle from a kink shop so that it was the correct kind of wax which melts at a lower temperature, but by her own previous admissions, Fleur is a bit of a wimp and couldn’t take much pain. We had to give up the wax play quite quickly. The rest of the session was good, but a lot of the energy and passion was lost after this fail unfortunately.

The following morning I discussed us switching roles for a future session so that she could get an idea of what being dominant is like and try performing her own sensory play on me using the wheel, hot wax etc. I think that it might help her understand both the dominant and submissive roles better, give her more confidence and allow her to experience the enjoyment that I get from her submission. I’m quite looking forward to it myself as I used to be very sexually submissive until the past year or so.

Regaining My Self Control

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As a Dominant in a relationship, maintaining self-control is incredibly important, because if you are unable to keep control over your own life and behaviour, how can you really expect somebody else to trust you to control theirs?

For quite a while my self-control had been very strong; I was training for a marathon, so I eating well and keeping myself in great physical form, I had reasonable control over my finances and was getting myself into a much more stable situation, my carer was going very well and I was very happy in my relationship.

Unfortunately, quite recently I have been having problems keeping this up. I’m not really sure what it was that triggered it, but I am aware that I can have addictive and obsessive personality traits which sprout from my mental health issues. I seemed to take a bit of a dip, which could very well be attributed to having to stop my anti-depressant medication for a while – things seem to be improving again now that I am back on them thankfully. During this lapse of self-control I was significantly increasing my alcohol consumption, spending money more carelessly, eating more unhealthily and accessing porn more frequently – It seemed that I was on somewhat of a hedonistic rampage! As I mentioned in a previous post (read here) I was even considering cheating on my girlfriend and got so far as to email some escorts. Fortunately I managed to hold myself back from going through with anything.

The whole experience exposed some doubts within me. I’m not really sure whether I can be a good Dominant if I experience these lapses in self-control. Perhaps as somebody that experiences mental health problems I am ill-suited to be a Dominant? Or is it that I am expecting too much of myself?

I’m not a part of a local scene as my girlfriend wouldn’t want to, but I wish I could be for situations like this. It would be good to chat with other Dominant’s and learn from their experiences.

Black Friday Sex Toy Shopping

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I received an email last night from Lovehoney about Black Friday offers that were available. I get a lot of emails with offers from this company and they normally go into the delete box, but this one caught my fancy when I saw this;

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A mini wand (meaning that it doesn’t need to be plugged into the mains) with fantastic reviews and half price (making it only £12.99)!!! I’ve been wanting to get a wand to torture Fleur with its intense vibrations for a while. She enjoys the bullet vibrator that I bought for her earlier this year, but I think it has lost a bit of its excitement now, which this should be able to make up for!

Whilst I was purchasing from there, I decided I might as well pick up a couple of other things that I had been wanting for our sessions too.

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Interestingly, there was an offer on for three items for £15, allowing me to save roughly £12 by buying these together. I decided to get a good length of soft rope, as the Velcro restraints we have now do their job nicely, but they are rather limited in the positions that I can tie her into. The candle and the Warternberg wheel were both things that I had been wanting to introduce to our sensation play. It looks like we’ll be having some good kinky fun again very soon!

Bad Oral Sex Last Night

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Last night Fleur and I had a really terrible play session together. It was the first time that it hasn’t really been any good between us and the whole thing was quite a hit to my self-esteem and has raised questions about our relationship.

Fleur tends to be very lazy in bed, which does frustrate a bit. She will initiate sexual contact roughly once every other blue moon and she is very content to just lay there and let me perform for her. It’s not that she is selfish, as she is always willing to return the favour when I give her an orgasm, but it is always on me to get us both heated up and excited. She never really contributes anything to building the mood, which she normally puts down to lack of experience/imagination.

Last night was very difficult from the set off. We were both ready for bed and cuddling on top of the covers. I was feeling her body and she was getting very ticklish and struggling (as per usual). When I started to undress her, she stopped me and said, ‘Perhaps I should make you work harder for it tonight?’. This put me off right away, as I always put a lot of effort into making her feel comfortable and sexy. That evening I had gone out in the rain to meet her when she got in at the train station and I had loaned her my credit card when she had forgotten her purse – I’m not saying for a moment that this makes me some kind of hero and that I deserve sexual favours as a result, but it shows that ten months into our relationship I am continuing to make an effort and be romantic for her, so for her to give me a hard time later on in bed was a bit unfair of her, in my opinion.

I started kissing her more passionately and feeling her more. I climbed on top and tongued her nipples and rubbed myself up against her. During this she was yawning and also laying almost perfectly still, like a corpse. I stopped because her attitude had killed my mood completely and I didn’t really want to have a session with her if she wasn’t into it – that’s so far from exciting! She started it up again, saying that it was just taking a little longer than normal for her to ‘warm up’. After a while I went down on her, with a lot of apologies from her because she hadn’t shaved down there and she doesn’t like me going down when it is not well groomed.

She reached climax and I moved up to cuddle her. She grabbed her phone from behind her head (which I balked at in disbelief) and she made the joke that she wanted to check that she hadn’t accidentally called somebody. I joked and imitated her saying, “Oh, hi Dad! *nervous laugh*”, to which she responded very negatively and claimed I had, ‘ruined the moment’ (something which I am frequently accused of – though not always unfairly). After a moment she began rubbing me and giving me a blow job.

This week I have pretty much run out of my supply of anti-depressants because I am waiting to get an appointment with my GP. As a result of this, I hadn’t taken one yesterday, which meant that my premature ejaculation issue resurfaced and I came very quickly and unexpectedly. Fleur wasn’t ready for it and as a result the orgasm was very disappointing.

After it all, I just wanted to curl up and go to sleep by myself. The big issues for me were that it took so much effort on my part to get Fleur in the mood and that she continued, despite her initial behaviour suggesting she wasn’t interested.

I’m not sure whether this is a bad patch or if our sex life will end up like this? I’m very happy to take on the dominant role, but if she won’t fully adopt the submissive role, then it leaves us in this awkward position. There is no continuation of these roles outside of each session, which I would quite like. If there were, then I could train her to be a better submissive and improve both of our sex lives. I think the main reason she wouldn’t extend the roles is because she is a staunch feminist and cannot find a way to combine being a feminist and a submissive.

I’ve Come a Long Way

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It’s now a year ago that I started this blog and the journey has been very therapeutic. Writing about the big events and issues that I’m having allows me to see them from a different perspective and get a grasp on how best to proceed. The blog has changed a fair bit since I first started writing it, but I believe only really because of how much my situation has changed over the past twelve months.

Looking back over my first post (you can read it here) it is interesting to see how much of a different place I am in now. I’m fairly happy at the moment. I’m still battling aspects of my depression from time to time (more about this soon) but I mostly seem to be on top of things now. I hardly ever think of suicide these days and I’m not currently self-destructing – quite the opposite in fact.

I don’t believe that these days are behind me forever – I’m wiser than that. I’ve been in and out of episodes of depression for around eleven years and there is still something alluring about self-destructing to me. It is a part of my soul (or at least would be if I believed in souls). I’m not consciously fighting any lapse into depression as I don’t think it would really be of much use; I’m just focussing on getting through, day by day, and trying to enjoy my time.

I didn’t think for a moment when I wrote that post that in a years time I would be alive, let alone fairly happy and in a rewarding relationship. The idea of being in a relationship with somebody that is content to adopt the submissive role and play out scenes for me was something from my wildest dreams. I have that now, and whilst it’s not perfect and I definitely want a lot more, I am being patient and enjoying what I am getting.

I’d like to thank everybody that has read/commented on my blog. Your input has been helpful and interesting and it is a pleasure to know that my endeavours are of interest to some. My original intent was to create this blog to catalogue my final days of self-destruction and leave some evidence of a side of me that nobody sees – I was never concerned about anybody reading it. I now continue to capture the hidden side of my life and I relish the thought of people reading and enjoying it. I like the idea of writing to excite others, whilst remaining completely true to myself and I will continue to do this.

Addicted to Porn

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Fleur has gone away for a couple of days with work, and I’m actually excited about that. The reason I’m excited is that I get a little bit of time to myself and I also get to masturbate to some porn. It’s so pathetic that I’m excited about that and I really wish that I wasn’t. If you follow my blog then you’ll have read about the conflict I feel over porn, if not, you can read it by clicking here.

I love porn – the main reason is that it gives me an insight into a world that I will never be able to be a part of. It allows me to indulge in aspects of sexual deviancy that I am unlikely to be able to enjoy in person. I thought I might write about a few of my favourite porn stars and why I like them so much;

1. Hazel (Slave Hazel)
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Hazel seems to have had a very limited carer in the porn industry, but I consider her to be one of the best actresses I have come across. She manages to portray a vulnerability and rawness that is lost in more commercial porn. The majority, if not all of her roles involve her being a slave – usually a schoolgirl – who is being trained for use. A clip which is particularly great (here) shows her being trained in anal and she shows how painful it can really be. The video is heavily edited around the part where he first inserts himself as a result of obviously having to stop the scene. There is a dark, nasty side of me that really likes watching a girl being tormented in a sexual scenario.

2. Sasha Grey
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Sasha Grey is without a doubt one of the best porn stars ever. She bucks the tradition of the girl being vulnerable and from a bad background so she goes into porn – Sasha loved what she did! Sasha was pretty flexible in her roles but from what I’ve watched, she mostly specialised in being submissive. She has been in some spectacular gang bangs and bondage scenes and I’ve never watched somebody so enthusiastic about deep throat and anal. I always loved her best tied up and this is one of my favourite scenes (here).

3. Lexi Belle
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Much like Sasha – perhaps even more so – Lexi is a great all-rounder and has performed fantastically in a range of different roles. Lexi has something that I haven’t seen in many of porn actresses and that is a wonderful accessibility. She plays the role of the ‘girl next door’ better than anyone I’ve seen. I fantasize about being with a girl as loose and fun as Lexi sometime. One of my favourite Lexi scenes is here.

I really wish I knew how I could get over my need for porn. I think part of the reason I want a M/s relationship is so that I have a slave to pleasure me when I need it. I want to be able to enjoy just one woman and not need to look at and fantasize about others. I know that Fleur would be upset if she knew about how I access porn and that makes me feel bad. I also don’t like having to keep this part of my sexuality secret from her. I have reduced the amount of porn I watch since I have started dating her, but I wonder if there will ever be a time when I don’t want to watch it?

Sensory Play

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It had been a long while since we had last enjoyed a session together and we were both in need of it. Whispering my plans to Fleur had her feeling hot and breathing deeply before I’d even touched her. I was looking forward to exploring her body further and indulging her in different sensations.

I began by blindfolding her to deny her any sight and then putting earphones in and playing Mogwai’s ‘Les Revenants’ so that she could not hear what was happening around her either. The intention was to enhance her sense of feeling and help her escape from everything for a while.

I tied her in a crouched position with arms out in front on the bed. I stroked her body, feeling her breasts and nipples then slid my hand down her sides to her legs. I caressed her buttocks and then began to spank. I slapped her a few times, hard, on each cheek and she didn’t make a peep despite coming up very red. I caressed her buttocks some more in between slaps and slipped my hand between her legs. She was very wet and responded to my touch well.

I untied her for a moment to turn her over and tie her spread eagle to the bed. I tongued her nipples whilst playing with her wet cunt. Next came a new sensation and surprise for her – Ice. I drew the ice cube across her body and thighs as she struggled against it’s cold wetness. She strained against the ties when I would touch her nipples and tease her clitoris. When I felt she’d had enough with the ice I warmed her up again with my mouth. I used my mouth on her clit until she was trembling and breathing heavily, but I denied her an orgasm yet.

Grabbing the bullet vibrator I placed it against her whilst tonguing her and she came quick and hard.

Following a few minutes of stroking her body whilst she enjoyed her hard-earned reward I climbed over her and put my cock in her mouth. She was keen to give me pleasure and did a great job sucking it and taking it deep when I thrust into her. It wasn’t long before I needed to withdraw and cum all over her chest.

After cleaning her up I untied her and we cuddled for quite a while. It was probably the most exciting play session that we have enjoyed together and I’m now even more interested in getting more sensory toys.

Feeling Distant

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For the past couple of weeks I have been feeling quite distant from Fleur. I think a lot of the issue is that we have both been quite busy – I’ve had a lot on over the weekends and she has been working a lot, taking away the evenings. She has been unwell for the past week too, and all of this just seems to have prevented us from having much quality time together.

It’s been ages since we had any sexual relations and even longer since we enjoyed a kink session. A part of me is struggling; since I feel quite distant from her, I have not felt up to ‘performing’ for some pleasure. She never initiates any sexual contact between us and I often find it quite draining to always be the person initiating this intimacy and then also committing to a lengthy amount of play, since we don’t have intercourse and so it is usually oral. I’ve found myself just wanting to have a quick orgasm to porn – which I don’t really want to do because she wouldn’t approve and I keep this secret from her.

It’s not like I’m thinking about breaking up with Fleur because we are really good together. It is likely that a big contributing factor to these issues is my depression, which I have noticed worsening of late. I’m not 100% happy with the relationship as it is and I know that some work needs to be done and some uncomfortable discussions had. I do feel like I am the one putting the most effort in at the moment and it needs to be more even. How do I encourage her to contribute more without it upsetting her though? I don’t want her to worry that I might want to break up.