I’ve Lost My Mojo

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Over the past couple of weeks I seem to have dramatically lost my mojo! This is a first for me and it is stressing me out a fair bit, which probably isn’t making things a whole lot better.

I’m not entirely sure what the cause of this lost mojo is. There is a fair chance that it is a side-effect of my antidepressants. I have always experienced a delay (and sometimes some difficulty) in climaxing when I have taken anti-depressants. This is a fairly common side-effect, but it has never worried me too much. In fact, I consider it a blessing quite a lot of the time as it allows me to go for longer.

It’s also possible that my loss of mojo is a symptom of depression. Whilst my mood hasn’t been really low, I haven’t been in a particularly great place over the past few weeks. In addition to not being all that happy, I find it more difficult to summon the energy for things. As the active partner in my play with Fleur, it is quite demanding on me. Plus, since we cannot have penetrative sex, that is quite inhibiting to me and could possibly have it’s toll on my desire.

The other reason I can think of is the least likely, but the most scary to me – age. I’m getting older and it’s been quite obvious to me over the past year that I am less sexually driven than I have been. I am only approaching 26 and I hardly think that this is an age where my sex-drive flies out the window – though from what I have read, a male’s sexual peak is his early twenties. If this is the result of ageing then I am worried for my future. My sexuality is a big part of me and I fear for a time when it is no longer there.

Fleur has certainly picked up my lack of mojo and whilst she seems to be OK with it at the moment, I worry that it will damage our relationship. If anything, I want our sex life and especially our kinky play to be more active! I hope that this is something that passes very soon.

Shaking off an identity (Recovering from depression)

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For the first time since my depression first set in around eleven years ago, I feel that I am really making positive steps towards a recovery. I’m not experiencing the same crushing hopelessness and despair that I was feeling up until just over a year ago. I am managing relatively well on a day-to-day basis at keeping my mood steady. I think my relationship with Fleur has been the main contribution towards this recovery, with added help from my anti-depressants, improved social life and stronger financial situation.

The big issue I am having is with shaking off my identity of eleven years. For most of my adolescence and almost half of my life, I have identified as somebody that struggles with depression and anxiety. It has been so integral to my personality that I would often use it as an excuse for myself, or to celebrate as an obstacle that I had overcome. So when such a large part of my personality is no longer present, who do I become?

Whilst I know that living with depression and anxiety is far from unusual, I almost feel as though those conditions made me something. Without those characteristics, I am nothing. I am just a plain, boring person, moving through life leaving no real impression. I want to have some meaning – even if it is only to myself.

As a result of these thoughts, it is difficult to no longer identify as somebody who is mentally unwell. I was thinking about my depression just the other day when I had to realise that I’m not really depressed now and I was making it up inside my own head. Whilst I don’t want to be depressed or anxious, the diagnosis is something of a safety blanket to me.

I hope that at some point in the future I will no longer look at myself in this way. The trouble is that I can’t see how I would look at myself. Would I look at myself as energetic, healthy…balanced? I just don’t picture it.

Regaining My Self Control

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As a Dominant in a relationship, maintaining self-control is incredibly important, because if you are unable to keep control over your own life and behaviour, how can you really expect somebody else to trust you to control theirs?

For quite a while my self-control had been very strong; I was training for a marathon, so I eating well and keeping myself in great physical form, I had reasonable control over my finances and was getting myself into a much more stable situation, my carer was going very well and I was very happy in my relationship.

Unfortunately, quite recently I have been having problems keeping this up. I’m not really sure what it was that triggered it, but I am aware that I can have addictive and obsessive personality traits which sprout from my mental health issues. I seemed to take a bit of a dip, which could very well be attributed to having to stop my anti-depressant medication for a while – things seem to be improving again now that I am back on them thankfully. During this lapse of self-control I was significantly increasing my alcohol consumption, spending money more carelessly, eating more unhealthily and accessing porn more frequently – It seemed that I was on somewhat of a hedonistic rampage! As I mentioned in a previous post (read here) I was even considering cheating on my girlfriend and got so far as to email some escorts. Fortunately I managed to hold myself back from going through with anything.

The whole experience exposed some doubts within me. I’m not really sure whether I can be a good Dominant if I experience these lapses in self-control. Perhaps as somebody that experiences mental health problems I am ill-suited to be a Dominant? Or is it that I am expecting too much of myself?

I’m not a part of a local scene as my girlfriend wouldn’t want to, but I wish I could be for situations like this. It would be good to chat with other Dominant’s and learn from their experiences.

I’m Considering Cheating on my Girlfriend

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I’ve been seriously considering having sex with somebody else for quite a while now. The idea doesn’t really sit well with me and I really dislike that I have so little self control over my urges. I just really feel like I need to have sex with somebody. It has been over six years since I last had sexual intercourse with a girl and whilst Fleur and I do have fairly regular oral sex, it is reaching a point where it isn’t enough for me.

I love Fleur and I want to be with her. I definitely don’t want to end my relationship with her just so that I can have sex. I’ve always been very good at keeping secrets and I don’t think that it would sit too heavily on me and damage our future relationship if I hired an escort. If I were to cheat with somebody and there was an emotional connection then I could see there being a serious issue of guilt, but with an escort it is just a professional service.

As I mentioned, I have been thinking it over for a while, but mostly trying not to think about it. I think this has come to obsess me today because of the events of a couple of nights ago (read here) and last night. Last night I was a little bit off with her because I was upset by her behaviour on the previous night and the fact that she was continuing to be quite selfish. I met her from the train station at around 7.30pm and it wasn’t until 11pm that she asked me how my day was! For the entire rest of the time she just moaned about her work (which is all she ever seems to talk about and I am finding it difficult to manage). This morning she was really distant from me and seemed reluctant when I went to kiss her when she left.

I am at home by myself tonight and I have emailed a couple of local escorts (but received no responses – they never like to email). I have found a service of interest that I may call, but I am just unsure what the consequence could be on my mind and relationship. I don’t know whether I will manage to control myself, I whether I will make this happen…

I’ve Come a Long Way

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It’s now a year ago that I started this blog and the journey has been very therapeutic. Writing about the big events and issues that I’m having allows me to see them from a different perspective and get a grasp on how best to proceed. The blog has changed a fair bit since I first started writing it, but I believe only really because of how much my situation has changed over the past twelve months.

Looking back over my first post (you can read it here) it is interesting to see how much of a different place I am in now. I’m fairly happy at the moment. I’m still battling aspects of my depression from time to time (more about this soon) but I mostly seem to be on top of things now. I hardly ever think of suicide these days and I’m not currently self-destructing – quite the opposite in fact.

I don’t believe that these days are behind me forever – I’m wiser than that. I’ve been in and out of episodes of depression for around eleven years and there is still something alluring about self-destructing to me. It is a part of my soul (or at least would be if I believed in souls). I’m not consciously fighting any lapse into depression as I don’t think it would really be of much use; I’m just focussing on getting through, day by day, and trying to enjoy my time.

I didn’t think for a moment when I wrote that post that in a years time I would be alive, let alone fairly happy and in a rewarding relationship. The idea of being in a relationship with somebody that is content to adopt the submissive role and play out scenes for me was something from my wildest dreams. I have that now, and whilst it’s not perfect and I definitely want a lot more, I am being patient and enjoying what I am getting.

I’d like to thank everybody that has read/commented on my blog. Your input has been helpful and interesting and it is a pleasure to know that my endeavours are of interest to some. My original intent was to create this blog to catalogue my final days of self-destruction and leave some evidence of a side of me that nobody sees – I was never concerned about anybody reading it. I now continue to capture the hidden side of my life and I relish the thought of people reading and enjoying it. I like the idea of writing to excite others, whilst remaining completely true to myself and I will continue to do this.

Feeling Distant

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For the past couple of weeks I have been feeling quite distant from Fleur. I think a lot of the issue is that we have both been quite busy – I’ve had a lot on over the weekends and she has been working a lot, taking away the evenings. She has been unwell for the past week too, and all of this just seems to have prevented us from having much quality time together.

It’s been ages since we had any sexual relations and even longer since we enjoyed a kink session. A part of me is struggling; since I feel quite distant from her, I have not felt up to ‘performing’ for some pleasure. She never initiates any sexual contact between us and I often find it quite draining to always be the person initiating this intimacy and then also committing to a lengthy amount of play, since we don’t have intercourse and so it is usually oral. I’ve found myself just wanting to have a quick orgasm to porn – which I don’t really want to do because she wouldn’t approve and I keep this secret from her.

It’s not like I’m thinking about breaking up with Fleur because we are really good together. It is likely that a big contributing factor to these issues is my depression, which I have noticed worsening of late. I’m not 100% happy with the relationship as it is and I know that some work needs to be done and some uncomfortable discussions had. I do feel like I am the one putting the most effort in at the moment and it needs to be more even. How do I encourage her to contribute more without it upsetting her though? I don’t want her to worry that I might want to break up.

I Will Be Living Alone

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Lying in bed on Saturday morning, Fleur and I had a chat. I asked her whether she had decided if she wanted to move in together or not, and she had decided that she wouldn’t at this time. She was insistent that she would like to live together and she would be happy enough to live with somebody before marriage – the problem was that, due to her religious beliefs, if she lives with someone, they have to be the one that she will marry so that it is not a sin. She is fairly confident in our relationship, but she isn’t sure enough yet to take that risk.

Her decision hit me pretty hard, largely because of the fact that she had previously said yes. I’d got myself excited about living with her, having a better place to live, somebody to share with more, being less lonely and being more financially secure. I thought that I was moving into the next stage of my life and growing up a lot. I was going to be living more comfortably, and preparing myself for any further steps – marriage, house ownership etc. Having that ripped away has left me deflated and stressed.

I’ve spoken with my current landlord and I’m free to move out of my current flat basically whenever I like, up to the 26th August, and they’ll adjust my rent accordingly. They’ve also said that I can take whatever furniture I want with me as it is only being scrapped otherwise. Whilst all of this is helpful, I’m really stressed because I’m struggling to find any suitable properties to rent anywhere near my price limit. All of the places I’ve found so far are quite a bit more expensive than my current place, which will be a real stretch. When you add in the fees, the moving costs and the settling costs, it’s going to put me out quite a lot I think. I’ve been saving to go to Canada next year and was actually doing quite well. I’m devastated that I might suddenly have to lose everything I have saved for basically nothing.

I just want to get sorted as soon as possible and settle back down. This underlying uncertainty and tension is difficult to cope with at the moment.

Self-Inflicted Sexual Frustration

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Fleur stayed over at my place last night. She’s stayed a couple of times before over the weekend, but this was the first time she’d stayed midweek. Her dad is away on business this week, so she didn’t fancy being home alone. I met her off the train at 10.30pm and we went back to mine. She had a little bit more work to do, so I chilled for an hour whilst she finished off, then we went to bed.

Things got steamier than previously in the bedroom. For the first time we were both naked above the waist whilst making out. I enjoyed seeing and playing with her breasts properly for the first time. I tried to go down on her a couple of times, but she kept grabbing my head and pulling me back up. She explained that she didn’t feel comfortable enough for me to do that yet. I did stroke her clit through her pants, which by her convulsions she seemed to enjoy a lot. Fleur is very quiet in the bedroom which will take some getting used to (the only girl I’ve been with before was very loud).

After finishing with her, Fleur asked me what she could do for me. It wasn’t the first time she had asked, but it was the first time that I would have considered going ahead with it. She kept apologising for her inexperience and saying that she probably wouldn’t be very good, but she wants to give me pleasure. I wouldn’t let her. I’m rather anxious and embarrassed about the mess from ejaculation. It never really used to be a problem for me before….but then most of the time I was having penetrative sex using a condom, so mess wasn’t as much of a big issue. It’s over 5 years since anybody has touched my penis and whilst I really want her to pleasure me and to enjoy myself, I won’t let it happen.

I’m not sure what the root of the problem is. I think there are at least two factors at play;
1. I don’t want to make a mess and feel gross, potentially grossing her out too and scaring her off and,
2. I’m really insecure and don’t feel like I can have an equal relationship with somebody. I always have to give more than I receive because I feel like it will make me more likeable.

It’s really frustrating me because I’ve finally got what I’ve been wanting for for so long – a sexual relationship with a beautiful girl I care about (OK, so it’s not sexual intercourse, but we are doing sexual things) but I’m not making the most of it. Any advice anyone?

How Much Is My Mental Health Linked To My Identity?

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Life has been much better for me of late. Since the very end of 2013 when I woke up one morning and my depressive episode seemed to be at an end, I have had much more positivity and energy. This positivity and energy have resulted in me spending more time with the people close to me and getting more involved in my hobbies, which in turn makes me feel even better.

As I prepare for my next appointment with my psychiatrist (this coming Monday) I’ve been thinking carefully about where I currently am. I realised that, at this current time, I wouldn’t describe myself as depressed. I wouldn’t say I’m happy. I do have more moments of happiness than I would during a depressive episode, but I think my mood could stand to be a bit better. I’m not currently depressed though. I sleep fine, I see friends, I regularly enjoy my hobbies and I’m eating healthily. I still have negative thoughts sometimes and my concentration aren’t great, but I’m not sure this is enough to be classed as clinically depressed.

In addition to this, whilst I do continue to have a bit of a problem with anxiety, which makes me very uncomfortable, I don’t think I can really say that it impedes my day-to-day life. I’m still able to do everything that I need to do, just sometimes it isn’t very pleasant.

This is the first time in a very long time that I’ve felt this good. It has left me concerned that a big part of my identity has been lost. My mental illness has been so defining for my character, that if I’m no longer suffering from a mental illness, I’m not sure who I am any more? I sort of feel like I would be less of a person for no longer having that obstacle to overcome. I would no longer have that excuse to hide behind. I would be completely exposed and vulnerable. I thought I wanted to recover, but I’m left feeling somewhat uncomfortable and lost.

I’m Alcohol Free

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You may recall my post from early last month about cutting down the amount I drink (if not, you can read it here). At the time I was finding it very difficult to stop drinking because I had strong cravings. During my darkest times at the end of last year I was drinking 5-6 days a week, and normally at least a couple of strong drinks each time. I had grown pretty dependent on it.

I’m pleased to say that with a few hard days of battling the craving, I came through the other side (with one slip up) and I’ve now been pretty much alcohol free for a whole month! I no longer struggle with the craving to have an alcoholic drink and can happily sit down for the evening with a mug of tea. My intention was never to give up alcohol completely, just to cut down, so I’ll be having a drink or two this weekend, but most of my drinking I do now seems to be social, whereas before it was nearly always when alone.

I think that cutting out the alcohol has helped contribute to my weight loss plan too. I’m not overweight, but I wanted to lose a bit of fat from around my gut and my face to feel more attractive. Over the past couple of years I’d put on a bit of fat due to my decreased activity and increased drinking. I’m now starting to notice that my gut is not as big and hopefully by keeping up my slightly stricter diet and the increased exercise I’m doing, I’ll be able to get rid of the fat completely. It will really help me with Fleur if I am less self-conscious about my body. I want to be as attractive for her as I possibly can be.