Opening Up

As I approach what is potentially the start of a new relationship, I’m growing concerned about opening myself up and being completely honest and vulnerable. My last relationship was rife with lies and deception right from the start. I don’t know why this was exactly. I think it is likely down to my fear of confrontation. I may have started with a small lie to settle an issue and then more and more lies were needed. The worst thing about my last relationship was that I was lying to myself. I convinced myself that I was happy with how things were, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. Perhaps at one point I was lying so blatantly because I wanted to get caught and put an end to it all. I felt completely trapped.

I really don’t want to make the same mistakes again. The idea of being so emotionally intimate with somebody that I am able to share anything that I’ve been through or that I’m feeling is so appealing. I’ve grown a lot since my last relationship and I do have a bit more confidence these days. I’m hopeful that if I really try, and push myself out of my comfort zone a little, then I can have that kind of relationship. What I’m not really sure about is where to draw the line?

I’m sure I will have to be open about my mental health issues (probably including suicidal tendencies) because they will come up at some point. I think that since I am seeing a psychiatrist, I’ve started on treatment and I’ve been referred for psychotherapy, it should placate Fleur as I can show that I am doing everything I can to recover. What I don’t really want to talk about is how my self-destructive tendencies in the past have resulted in me being used sexually by older men, including prostitution. Whilst it may be a relief to get it off my chest, I can’t imagine for a moment that she would understand. Will the lie of omission damage any potential future with her? 

Going Dry

I’m currently trying to reduce my alcohol intake and I’m finding it unpleasant. I hadn’t noticed I’d become quite this dependent on it and the cravings are disconcerting.

I realised quite a while ago that I had a bit of an alcohol problem. It was probably when I was in my final year of uni that if first became obvious. Unlike many university students, my drinking wasn’t part of a social experience. It was quite the opposite – it was a way to get through the lonely nights in my room. A couple of times I would get so drunk on vodka by myself that I was sick. Getting this drunk by yourself is a bad sign!

I don’t always seem to have a problem though. I have times in my life where I barely drink at all and I don’t really feel that I need it. I also have times where I feel the need to get drunk every day. For the past couple of months I have wavered more towards needing to get drunk every day.

I’m fortunate in that my drinking doesn’t seem to have badly affected my life. I never miss work as a result of it and I don’t have any physical health problems either. The problem is that I feel a bit dependent on it, and I really don’t want that.

I have a few good reasons to get my drinking under control right now;
1. I’ve just started dating someone that barely drinks at all.
2. It is very expensive and I am trying to pay off my debt and save more money.
3. I’m training for a marathon in October and so I need to be as healthy as I can (tying into this, I want to look my best for Fleur and if I keep drinking, it will make this more difficult to achieve).

I’m not saying that I want to be completely dry. I enjoy a nice drink, the way it makes me feel and the social aspects of alcohol. I just want to consume much less unhealthy amounts. I think the main reason I’m dependent on it is because I use it as a form of self-medication. It helps make the world feel better. Hopefully, if I manage to get onto a treatment that works for my depression, I won’t feel the need for alcohol anymore. I have an appointment with my GP on Wednesday evening to discuss prescriptions.

I am concerned that as soon as things get bad I will need it again. I think any change now will only be a temporary measure, but it will at least give my liver a change to heal for a while.

I Got Stood Up

 

The guy who was going to dominate and fuck me never showed last night. It has left me really frustrated. I know that generally you have to expect a certain amount of this when hooking up with people on Craigslist. There are a lot of people out there that aren’t genuine. Hell, I’ve been a no-show to hook-ups before. Sometimes you get nerves at the last minute and just don’t do it. It doesn’t make it any less annoying though, especially when you’ve spent all evening getting ready for them.

I was quite surprised by this guy though. From the tone of his emails I thought he was a sure thing. I can’t really appreciate why he didn’t show. I had offered my body to him. I would have happily let him tie me up and then he would be free to do what he wanted.  That’s a pretty good gift for somebody. One that I certainly wouldn’t turn down if I was attracted to them.

Whilst I was getting ready for him last night, I started chatting to an old friend from my home town on Facebook. They were a part of the trans community and sort of my gateway into that community when I was living there. E was a very good person to me. E was attracted to me and I really liked that, but at the time I was going through quite a lot of changes and wasn’t ready to experiment with them.

I told E how I was having a difficult and confusing time regarding my sexuality and that I wanted to spend the night with them. I know that E is patient and honest, so I can trust that I’ll be respected. E is going to come to my flat sometime soon for a night of experimentation, which is pretty exciting.

My only concern is that E will be too patient with me. I’m going to set out before hand that I only have a couple of hard limits and that I want to do everything else. I’ll say that I may not seem enthusiastic at first, so I need to be pushed a bit. I’m really hoping that E will do some BDSM play with me and dominate me….I’m not sure if that’s something they’re into though.

I’m thinking that I may get a new wig, make-up and outfit and be Emily for the experience. I never properly had sex as Emily and I’d like to explore that. Plus I feel much more sexy when I’m Emily and also E is more attracted to me as Emily. I think that when I’m Emily I may be able to ‘get into character’ more and push my limits a bit harder.

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Tonight I Get Dominated

I’ve just made arrangements to meet somebody from Craigslist this evening who will come back to my flat, dominate me and fuck me. He’s a 50 year old guy, who says that he wants to take me over his knees and spank me hard. He wants to tie me securely, play with my ass and then penetrate me. He talked about the possibility of using belts or canes when spanking me, so it sounds like he can be quite harsh.

I’m sat here and my heart rate and breathing are quite accelerated. I’m actually shaking a bit. I’m clearly anxious about doing this, but it is exciting. I’ve never properly been tied up and fucked before and bondage has been a fantasy of mine since I was pretty young. I’m meeting him down my road at 9.15pm. That means I’ll have time to shower, douche, tidy up and get pretty drunk before I go and meet him.

My Current Fantasy

I’m currently advertising on Craigslist for somebody to come to my flat, tie me to my bed and fuck my ass. I’ve been trying to get somebody to do this for a few days now. The desire is very strong, so I am not asking for payment. I’ve had a couple of people that I’ve nearly met, but due to a mix up and them arriving quite late, it hasn’t happened yet.

Why do I want this to happen? Quite honestly because I imagine it would be horrific. Men that prowl for sex online, tend to be a lot less considerate and gentle than your general person. This may be because they’ve watched too much porn and just think that’s what sex is like, or maybe some of them are just sadists. The chances are though, if you invite a man from the internet, that you’ve never met, to come to your bedroom, tie you up and perform anal sex on you, he will be quite rough. I’ve played with anal toys and had anal sex a couple of times before and it can be quite painful, so having somebody rough do it, must be pretty bad.

This is one of the reasons I ask for somebody to tie me up. If I’m tied, then there is very little I can do to stop it once they get going. If their conscience is not very active, then they won’t care for my cries and will just fuck away anyway.

Essentially, I am looking to be raped. I know that it wouldn’t exactly be rape, but it would be the closest I can simulate. Hopefully it would be something that I couldn’t bear to live with. I’m trying to accelerate my self-destruction. I’m feeling really bad at the moment and I know I am on the cusp of it. I just need a tiny push. I know that this time, I won’t seek help. I did that a month ago when I was really suicidal and it was awful. I would never go through that again. I’d much rather die.

The longer my deep depression lasts, the more I drag people I know through the shit. One of my friends has been very supportive. She knows I’m depressed and seeking help, but she doesn’t know most of what is going on. I’d never tell somebody. If I told somebody, they wouldn’t be able to help and when the inevitable happened and I killed myself, they would have to live with it. The less that everyone knows, the better for them.

Since I was 14 I’ve known that I would take my own life. I know that I will die my own way, by my own hand. I’ve never been certain when, but I do know it will be within my control. With that level of certainty, how can I let somebody try to help me?

Jobs Are Coming In

I had a client yesterday, but I chickened out of meeting him. Well, I say I chickened out, but it may be more appropriate to just say I decided I didn’t want to meet him. It was a chap in his twenties wanting me to strip, to give him a blowjob to completion and then let him cum on my face. Essentially it would have been the same as my first job. The problem was that he was only willing to pay me £20 to do it. Whilst I would appreciate £20, I’m no longer really desperate for cash because I’ve received my pay check from work. I felt that £20 probably wasn’t worth it.

This meant that yesterday I really didn’t achieve very much at all. I spent all morning just catching up on TV on my laptop, then I started drinking in the afternoon to be ready for the client. I drank about half a bottle of vodka and had a nice buzz from that. I did use an anal douche for the first time. I figured it would be good for clients to ensure I’m clean up there. It felt pretty weird, but it did really help clean stuff out.

Today I’ve had a new client and made an appointment for tomorrow evening. He’s in his late twenties, but is inexperienced, so wants to take things pretty slow. He wants to do some sucking, then he’s going to fuck me. He’s agreed to pay £60 so it’s a pretty good incentive to meet him. I’m slightly concerned that he’ll be a no show because he is inexperienced. Fingers crossed he will turn up.

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Longing for Work

I haven’t had any more clients since Tuesday evening. I’ve been advertising once or twice a day and I’ve had quite a few email inquiries, but none of them has been fruitful. It is frustrating. A lot of people seem to get put off when I ask them if they would be willing to reward me. It does say in my ad that I would appreciate a reward, but I think some people think they could get a freebie. I can appreciate that a lot of these people might not want to pay for sex. That must have some damaging implications on self-esteem.

The other people either seem to get put off by my rates, even though I tend to imply they are negotiable, or they get put off by my picture. In fairness, the pictures I tend to send are just face pictures and tend not to be great ones. That may be me trying to put people off slightly.

I’m hoping to get a job or two tomorrow. I’ll be at home all day by myself. I think one of the reasons I’m really wanting more clients at the moment is because everything is so boring for me right now. On Tuesday evening though, I got very drunk and had time preparing for the visit (showering, tidying etc.) and then afterwards I was thoroughly cleaning myself and just generally seeing time pass pretty quick because of my inebriation. Being a prostitute helps to use up my time and get me through another day quicker.

Whilst this was initially just a self-destructive behavior, thinking about it is now taking up most of my time. It is the only thing that really excites me. It doesn’t excite me for the right reasons, but it is exciting nonetheless. I think it is good for me to feel wanted by somebody. Having somebody that likes and wants to use my body is more than I usually have.

I’ve been logging in to my TvChix account regularly again. I’ve been chatting to some people because they can now see my account is active and so they’re sending me messages. I’m still not really any closer to dressing again, but I am thinking that it would really help me get more clients and it would be nice to feel sexy again. People do find me attractive as Emily and they appreciate my body.

 

Tired or Bored?

I’m really miserable right now and I don’t feel able to get past it. By saying this, I don’t feel like I am dwelling in self-pity – it is cold hard fact that I am miserable. I don’t know what needs to change. I think the change needs to come from within me, but I’m not sure how to do that. I know that I could push myself to spend more time with my friends and go running and be more creative but a part of me doesn’t want to. That part of me is winning hands-down right now.

I feel so bored of everything. I have no interest in trying to chat to girls on online dating because I know it won’t go anywhere. I can’t get hooked on a book, TV show or film. I can’t help but give into distractions at every corner. I’m not even really getting aroused by porn any more.

Everything is now just a process. I eat because otherwise I’ll get hungry and ill. I find porn to help me climax. I watch TV to pass the hours before I’m ready to go to sleep. If I’m not squeezing any enjoyment out of these activities, then why should I continue to do them?

I’m looking at the 3rd December, when I’ll have returned from my holiday and I know, that if nothing changes dramatically within me by that time, I will only have two options; Admit that I have a plan to kill myself that evening and get admitted into hospital or kill myself.

The idea of killing myself at that time doesn’t really feel scary to me. I feel like it would actually be the perfect time. I won’t have any unfinished plans involving other people. Anything that I leave behind (except work) would only matter to me. I would also end things on the high of having been on holiday with my friends. I already know what I would do. I guess only time will tell whether I will do it.

My Time as a Transexual

It’s time for a little history I think. Above is a (not very good) photo of me. Well, technically, it was my alter-ego Emily Swift. I had a phase of being a transexual that lasted about two years. It was a very confusing time for me, and something that (like most of me) I kept very secret.

I think it all sort of started about three years ago. I was going through one of my self-destructive phases and I was looking for men online to use me sexually. I found a guy that wanted me to wear fishnet stockings and french knickers. That was sort of exciting, so I did it. I met him in the early hours in a supermarket car park and he drove us out a bit into the country, where I subsequently sucked his cock and then he fucked me in the ass. The experience with him wasn’t nice and did leave me a bit uncomfortable, but wearing stockings and knickers was exciting.

It was another year later before I actually bought a wig and a full outfit. At this time I had finished university and moved back home with my parents. I was very careful for them not to find out, so I didn’t go out dressed up more than a couple of (very sneaky) times. I would mostly perform on my webcam for men, which I did enjoy. I would always set up a one way video link, so I would be watching myself and not the guy I was performing for.

I’ve often thought that this transexual phase sprang out of my loneliness. At this point I hadn’t had a relationship in around three years and I whilst I wanted to have sex with a girl, it wasn’t going to happen. A part of me thought that if I was the girl, that might be enough for me.

I joined the website TvChix.com which was a great way to find men interested in me, but also chat to other t-girls. I made friends with a couple in the city I was living and eventually met up with them. I then had a place to go and get dressed up. We went out to the local gay and transexual pub a few times and I made quite good friends. I never had sex with anybody whilst I was Emily.

Later that year I moved to where I live now. When I finally had a flat of my own, I took the chance to explore my freedom and be Emily more often. It was great. I got chatting to more people on TvChix and in December 2011 arranged for a Master to come to my flat for a BDSM session. I’ve always been very excited by BDSM so was looking forward to it. He came over and put me in a couple of different ties. None of them were very exciting because he didn’t want to start me off two hard. He then fingered my ass and used my big dildo on me. It was an interesting experience. Afterwards, he took me in his cab to a nearby BDSM club which had a t-girl night. I was tied  publicly and felt up by a couple of strangers. That was exciting. I met some other t-girls that seemed to be into me.

After that night, Emily seemed to die though. I don’t know why the sudden change. I just couldn’t be bothered to shave everything and do the make-up etc all the time. I wanted to be more masculine and have stubble and wear men’s clothes. I’m not really sure how or why my transexual phase ended. I was so convinced that I wanted to be female. I had considered going full time and speaking to a doctor about going through the change.

I’ve recently started thinking about Emily again. If I do want to try being a successful prostitute/escort, then being a t-girl could potentially make me more money. I’m still not thrilled by the idea of doing the full shave etc again, but maybe it’s an option?

I’m Now a Prostitute

I ended up going for it last night and I arranged to meet the man and do sexual favours in exchange for money. I’d been with a couple of guys before, but this was the first time I’d ever accepted money to perform sex acts. I have to say that it made the whole process a little bit easier, though I’m sure in the long run, it may chip away at my soul.

I got home from work at around 5.30pm and started drinking heavily. I had a bottle of bourbon and ginger beer as a mixer. By about 5.50pm I decided that I was going to go for it, so I sent him an email and arranged to meet him at 7pm at the train station near my house. I then spent the next hour drinking more and had a quick shower to be nice and fresh.

The guy was in his forties and was actually a very gentle sort. I can’t say for a minute that I was attracted to him, but the fact that he wasn’t a thug made things easier. I took him back to my place, we undressed and laid down on the bed. I then started stroking him and gave him a blowjob. In the end I let him cum over my face. He washed up and left. In all honesty, it was a very easy £50, which will certainly help me out financially.

The problem was that even though he didn’t cum in my mouth, I couldn’t get rid of the taste of cum. I can still taste it every now and then. I used mouth wash 4 times, brushed my teeth, gargled in the shower, had dinner and two mugs of green tea, but the sensation still wouldn’t go. That was hard for me to deal with. I just felt unclean.

I thought that I would have had a harder time than this. I’m actually thinking I should take more jobs and see how it goes. Potentially by fixing my money worries, I might even end up in a better place. It’s not like I need to worry about damaging my relationships. I haven’t had one of those in over 5 years and there’s no sign of me ever having one.